Secret Crowds

Making big life decisions is hard, especially when you're choosing between two things. No matter what decision you make you will always wonder what it would have been like if you had chosen the other thing.
With hindsight you will always be able to tell which choice is the right one, but you don't have that until after the event, therefore you have to look at what is around you, what is right in front of you and make a decision based from that. Its so hard to know if you have made the right decision bout all you can do is trust in yourself and trust that you have made the right decision for that moment.

I wish I could do that, I feel like I'm close to making a decision but I'm still terrified that its the wrong one, that I'll make my choice, sign the papers and then start to panic and regret, even though I know doing that is a waste of time.

Sometimes having the decision forced upon you is easier, at least that's the way it feels.

Fighter

Generally my music taste is fairly broad in that I like a bit of everything, but the majority of stuff I really like would be identified as alternative, the stuff that really touches and inspires me, so alot of people find it odd just how much I love Christina Aguilera. I've always thought she was extremely talented but that her music wasn't really for me. But then a year ago her song Fighter came on my itunes shuffle and I read about her childhood and about how she lived with domestic abuse and I went back and listened to her Stripped and Back to Basics albums and realised how great they are.
I not only now admire her talent as a vocalist, I also admire the way she takes risks with her career, the way she doesn't give a shit what people think of her and the fact that shes done so well for herself given her childhood. Not only is she successful as a musician shes also a loving wife and mother, something that many people who've experienced domestic abuse find hard to do.

Walking away from an abusive relationship is hard and people who haven't experienced it will never understand how hard and they say that as soon as you walk away you stop being a victim and start being a survivor. And as cheesy as it sounds Christina's music helped me to stop being a victim and for that reason, as well as many others, I think she's awesome, no matter what perez hilton or anyone else might say!

the butterflies

There are thousands upon thousands of songs written about love, about falling in and out of it, about losing it and finding it and about how good and bad it can feel. Love is inspiring and some of the most beautiful art, music, poetry and literature has been created about and because of love. It is pretty much the most important thing in the world because without we wouldn't have the art inspired by it but we also wouldn't have the people who created that art.

Love really is the thing that makes life worth living and most people spent a large amount of their life's looking for it, for the real deal, whatever that is, because love means different things to different people.

I keep thinking about what it means to me and I think it heightens all the emotions. From the butterflies in your stomach to your heart dropping to your feet, it all feels more intense and more real when love is involved.

When you love someone everything is at stake, there is so much to risk, so much you can lose, but also so much to gain, otherwise why would we take the risk?

To risk it all for those moments when you feel like your flying, when your heart is full.

Globes and Maps

I've been thinking about home a lot recently and what exactly that word means. There are so many sayings about home, about what it means and what it stands for, but what do any of them really mean.

I live near the town I grew up and when I go back there for a visit it doesn't feel like home anymore. The house I grew up in now belongs to someone else and the place my parents now live is somewhere I don't really know, where I could quite easily take a wrong turn on the streets and get completely lost. I could go to the town I grew up and wander through all the little alleyways and back streets and always know where I was, but where would I be trying to get back to if I did get lost.
Where I live now, I've only lived for 8 months or so, although its a city I grew up coming to and I know pretty well.
But then is home really the place that you live or is that just your location, the place you would point to on a map. But then if someone asked me to point to home on the map, I think the best I could do was the island of the United Kingdom.

One of the most famous sayings relating to home is "home is where the heart is" and if that's true then I am totally confused as to where my home is because my heart is spread all over the place. It lies in London, Leeds, Ayr and a little village in Fife because my heart is with the people who matter to me. But it is also in this place, in this little flat that I have made my own. It lies in the music and art and photography that I surround myself with because in the darkest days, those are the things that save me. Thing about those is that I can take them with me wherever I go, my friends and family I can't. I wish I could.
And if I decide to move again in a few months time then I'll have to start all over again, but when you don't really know where you call home then I guess it doesn't really matter.

I think my heart is just looking for a real reason to call a place home. For that person who when they sit next to you, that's when you feel like you are home.