Old Haunts

Every time there is a big change in my life, I get overly emotional. I'm a pretty emotional person anyways so during transitional stages of my life I pretty much cry at the drop of a hat. Moving forward always makes me look back and reflect. I am about to move out of my lovely little flat, the place I have called home for the last year and a half, the first place I had felt safe in a long time. There are so many memories attached to this place, some of them good, some of them pretty shit.

I've had many fun nights in this place with people I know consider true friends, I've listened to some amazing music, danced around the place like crazy and I've fallen in love within these walls.

Then there were the shit times, the late nights alone in tears, the loneliness, the feeling of being trapped in a little cage of my own making. My heart broke in this flat, then it healed and I fell in love.

Now I'm putting the last of my things in boxes and preparing to move all my belongings and more importantly, myself, down the road to a flat that my boyfriend lives in. After a couple of months there, the even bigger move will come, when we get a place that is just ours.

I would be lying if I said that this relationship had been easy, two damaged people can love each other, but it will never be an easy love.

That said, I am looking forward to living with the man I love, the man who has seen me at my worst and still loves me. Loving him has taught me that no matter how damaged you are, it is possible to love each other.

Terrible Love

Love terrifies me. Love tends to equal pain, because it means you care a lot about a particular person and that means that if they betray you or hurt you then you're going to feel a real sharp and horrible pain that will take time to heal.

The more you love the more you will hurt. It's only now that I've really fallen in love for the first time in years that I realise how closed off to love I was, how much I guarded and protected myself from the pain. I also realise how much I'd stopped believing in love.

Now there is someone in front of me telling me he loves me and I hear it, more importantly, I see it in his eyes. It's still like I can't quite believe it. I want to and I'm trying very, very hard to because I want to believe it and I want him to believe that I feel the same about him.

But I'm terrified because when you really love, you also really hurt. It's always about working out if the person and the love you share with them is worth the pain, if they are then you will fight through it for those moments when the stars align and your world feels complete now they are in it.