Even cowgirls get the blues.

Its the music that gets you through tough times that means the most. Sure in a lot of ways you remember the music that was playing when you were happy, the music that accompanies all those favourite memories that you have tends to stick with you and when you hear a song that reminds you of a great night with friends or a wonderful holiday it will make you smile.
But the songs that pull you through the dark times are the songs you will always hold closest to your heart.
You remember the albums that you put on when you had to scrape yourself off the floor to turn the stereo on. Its when it matters the most, so you turn to something that you know will help you. It might me something to cheer you up or something to make you realise that someone has felt the way you feel in those moments. Music can save people so what you turn to in the moments when you need saved is the stuff that shapes you, the stuff that stays with you.

I cannot go a single day without listening to music of some sort and I know what albums and artists have really been there.
It's highly ironic that right now the music helping me cope is the music of one of the favourite bands of someone who has hurt me. Somehow this music suits my mood and I don't even think of him when I listen to it, which is a good thing. I guess you don't really choose the music that's gonna pull you through, it chooses you.

The lights and buzz

Social networking websites have made the world a worse place. People don't talk on the phone anymore, or write letters, or travel to be with someone. They send them a message on Facebook and think that this is a suitable substitute. But a message on Facebook is nothing, its just some words bashed out on a keyboard and then forgotten about. Maybe the person you just spent a whole 3 minutes of your life thinking about needs something more. Maybe they want to hear your voice, maybe you would like to hear theirs.

All sites like Facebook have done is make people more arrogant, more self obsessed and selfish. It's far too easy to just think that by adding someone on facebook you can call them a friend, but the definition of a friend involves words like respect, regard and affection and you don't get any of those things on Facebook.

5 young people have taken their own lives in the city I live in the last few weeks and I'm not all that surprised. Where were they supposed to go for support and help? Maybe they sat at home alone in front of a computer screen and wondered if this was all that life had to offer.

Maybe people should stop thinking about themselves all day, every day and put some thought in to the people they surround themselves with. Maybe one of these people you care about is crumbling, maybe there are feeling lost and alone and maybe by logging off of Facebook and actually being there you could help.

Hands down

Lately I've been thinking alot about fear. I've been feeling scared of certain things that have been happening in my life and it's made me think about what it is I am actually feeling scared of.

Its not the actual things that make me frightened, its the fear of the unknown, of not knowing what might be.
Where the next year of my life will take me. There are so many reasons to feel positive and things to feel good about, but still because these things are so good, the fear of what might be is holding me a bit, although a lot less in the last few days then it was in the days before.

Life is about feeling the fear and doing it anyway, about doing things that scare you and make you nervous. Otherwise you would end up doing very little.

Trying to launch yourself into a career that you really care about is scary, accepting responsibilities in your life is scary, the idea of falling in love is scary, because all of these require you to let go, take a risk and just jump on in!

But I intend to do that now, I'm still scared but so much less then I was and if I ran away what would that achieve.

It could all be so amazing!

Secret Crowds

Making big life decisions is hard, especially when you're choosing between two things. No matter what decision you make you will always wonder what it would have been like if you had chosen the other thing.
With hindsight you will always be able to tell which choice is the right one, but you don't have that until after the event, therefore you have to look at what is around you, what is right in front of you and make a decision based from that. Its so hard to know if you have made the right decision bout all you can do is trust in yourself and trust that you have made the right decision for that moment.

I wish I could do that, I feel like I'm close to making a decision but I'm still terrified that its the wrong one, that I'll make my choice, sign the papers and then start to panic and regret, even though I know doing that is a waste of time.

Sometimes having the decision forced upon you is easier, at least that's the way it feels.

Fighter

Generally my music taste is fairly broad in that I like a bit of everything, but the majority of stuff I really like would be identified as alternative, the stuff that really touches and inspires me, so alot of people find it odd just how much I love Christina Aguilera. I've always thought she was extremely talented but that her music wasn't really for me. But then a year ago her song Fighter came on my itunes shuffle and I read about her childhood and about how she lived with domestic abuse and I went back and listened to her Stripped and Back to Basics albums and realised how great they are.
I not only now admire her talent as a vocalist, I also admire the way she takes risks with her career, the way she doesn't give a shit what people think of her and the fact that shes done so well for herself given her childhood. Not only is she successful as a musician shes also a loving wife and mother, something that many people who've experienced domestic abuse find hard to do.

Walking away from an abusive relationship is hard and people who haven't experienced it will never understand how hard and they say that as soon as you walk away you stop being a victim and start being a survivor. And as cheesy as it sounds Christina's music helped me to stop being a victim and for that reason, as well as many others, I think she's awesome, no matter what perez hilton or anyone else might say!

the butterflies

There are thousands upon thousands of songs written about love, about falling in and out of it, about losing it and finding it and about how good and bad it can feel. Love is inspiring and some of the most beautiful art, music, poetry and literature has been created about and because of love. It is pretty much the most important thing in the world because without we wouldn't have the art inspired by it but we also wouldn't have the people who created that art.

Love really is the thing that makes life worth living and most people spent a large amount of their life's looking for it, for the real deal, whatever that is, because love means different things to different people.

I keep thinking about what it means to me and I think it heightens all the emotions. From the butterflies in your stomach to your heart dropping to your feet, it all feels more intense and more real when love is involved.

When you love someone everything is at stake, there is so much to risk, so much you can lose, but also so much to gain, otherwise why would we take the risk?

To risk it all for those moments when you feel like your flying, when your heart is full.

Globes and Maps

I've been thinking about home a lot recently and what exactly that word means. There are so many sayings about home, about what it means and what it stands for, but what do any of them really mean.

I live near the town I grew up and when I go back there for a visit it doesn't feel like home anymore. The house I grew up in now belongs to someone else and the place my parents now live is somewhere I don't really know, where I could quite easily take a wrong turn on the streets and get completely lost. I could go to the town I grew up and wander through all the little alleyways and back streets and always know where I was, but where would I be trying to get back to if I did get lost.
Where I live now, I've only lived for 8 months or so, although its a city I grew up coming to and I know pretty well.
But then is home really the place that you live or is that just your location, the place you would point to on a map. But then if someone asked me to point to home on the map, I think the best I could do was the island of the United Kingdom.

One of the most famous sayings relating to home is "home is where the heart is" and if that's true then I am totally confused as to where my home is because my heart is spread all over the place. It lies in London, Leeds, Ayr and a little village in Fife because my heart is with the people who matter to me. But it is also in this place, in this little flat that I have made my own. It lies in the music and art and photography that I surround myself with because in the darkest days, those are the things that save me. Thing about those is that I can take them with me wherever I go, my friends and family I can't. I wish I could.
And if I decide to move again in a few months time then I'll have to start all over again, but when you don't really know where you call home then I guess it doesn't really matter.

I think my heart is just looking for a real reason to call a place home. For that person who when they sit next to you, that's when you feel like you are home.