In My Eyes

Today I have decided to stop drinking. Last night I drank to feel better and to forget, even though I'm not stupid and I know that alcohol is a depressant and that it would make me feel worse. I was totally right of course, I ended up pissing off a friend, overreacting to stuff and feeling awful. I was not myself and I was not proud of how I behaved. This afternoon I sat here and thought hard about drinking and what it is and what it does.

I am very anti-drugs and always have been, I just don't believe in putting all that nasty stuff into your system, but yet I would go out and drink. I have never really heavily drank, never passed out or puked or forgotten where I live but there have been nights like last night. Also I have watched what alcohol does to other people. I have been treated badly by people when they've been drunk, I've seen absolutely everything that alcohol can do to people but I always knew that I could control the amount of alcohol that I consumed.

I still can and could, I can easily go out for a pub lunch and have a beer and just have one. But I have really started to hate how it makes me feel and what it does to people. The main reason I have drank is because everyone else does. If you say your not going to drink then people don't understand, they want you to go out and join in and have fun and to do that they think you have to drink in order to do that, but in all honesty the best times in my life have occured when sober. I don't enjoy feeling the way I did last night, I don't enjoy feeling awful when I have a hangover. I like to be in control of my life and the minute I drink I stop feeling in control. I think most people drink for all the wrong reasons and I know for certain that I drink for the wrong reasons.

There are so many things that in my life that I have stopped doing because I know its harmful to me, things I have walked away from because I know its wrong but yet I have continued to drink. If I think long and hard about why I drank its because everyone around me did it and because I felt it was expected of me as part of the social world I was in at the time. I've gone through long periods of not drinking because I haven't been around it but in the last couple of months I've drank quite a lot and really hated how it makes me feel. So I'm done.

I need to keep a clear head and face my problems head on, I need to not rely on a drug to help me deal. If I have a bad day then I shouldn't reach for a bottle of beer, I should deal with how I'm feeling and sort out the problem in another way and that's what I want. I want a clear head and I don't want to find myself drunk, crying on the floor of a club toilet ever again.