High Lonesome

Loneliness is a strange thing, it comes in various forms and sometimes it just sneaks up on you when you least expect it. You could be in a room full of people and suddenly you are hit with the feeling that you are alone. Or you could be at home alone and not feel lonely at all because the record playing is all the company you need.

It seems sometimes that there's not a lot you can do when loneliness hits. You could go out and walk in crowds of people and it not be enough, you could pick up the phone and dial a number you know off by heart and talk to the person on the other end or you could fill the empty room with the sound of a favourite song but it might not be enough.

Loneliness isn't about being on your own or about having loads of friends or about having a hectic busy life, loneliness is about missing a certain type of connection. It's about missing your best friend because they can tell what you're thinking just by looking at you, or about walking up in the middle of the night wishing there was someone next to you who wouldn't mind you waking them up and telling them what was on your mind.

It's about the Saturday night when you want to go and see a film but there's no one to go with or the lazy Sunday morning when you wish you were making two cups of tea instead of one. There are some Saturday nights and Sunday mornings when it's fine and others when it hurts like hell. Problem is there is nothing you can do about it, expect keep holding on and keep hoping.

Great Expectations

The connections that we make with others are such a massive part of our lives. A conversation can change your life, or just give you something that before was lacking. I got back this week from a holiday to America and there were many moments in that holiday where I had interesting conversations with strangers. It was refreshing to strike up conversations with random people from different walks of life and to exchange ideas and thoughts.

When I got home I wondered why these type of exchanges didn't seem to happen at home as much and I couldn't really work it out. I have on many occasions sat on train journeys that have lasted hours and never spoken a word with anyone whereas on 3 of the 4 flights I took conversations were started. I did wonder if it was my fault, that by sticking headphones in my ears and retreating to music I am shutting people out, but there have been many occasions where I haven't done this and no one has spoken.

I can't define what it is that was different but I enjoyed it, I like talking to new people and finding out things about the way they life their live. What I liked the most though was the respect shown, so often when talking to someone they will just talk over you, butt in and stop me from finishing my thought, this didn't happen. I listened and was listened to. It was so refreshing and I hope I experience more of it in the future.

Sensible Heart

People throw around words like love far too carelessly. There is so little regard for what it means, what it involves and how much it hurts when someone says they love you and then treats you badly.

It's like words have no meaning anymore, people just open their mouths and let things fall out with no regard for what the meaning behind the words actually is.

There is so little regard for the English language and what it means, and I'm sick of hearing people misuse it.

Religious people get upset when people take the lords name in vain, but why does no one get upset when people use the word love in vain.

It's happening all the time, all around and people just don't care anymore. It's so disheartening.

Hand of Fate

Yesterday was a day of mixed feelings for me. I was working at a wedding taking photographs. Although really I was assisting another photographer and learning the ropes a bit, I was also taking photos and was paid for my work. This means that I can now officially class myself as a professional photographer because I have been paid for my work. This is a massive achievement, especially since it's been less than a year since I started studying and really learning about it. I always felt a bit sad that it took me 26 years to work out what I wanted to do with my life but really I should just be happy that I have worked it out and that when I have a camera in my hands everything else in the world sort of shuts out.

I started looking through the shots I took this morning and I'm really pleased with how they turned, considering it was the first time I'd ever taken photos at a wedding, I've got a lot of good shots and I'm really proud of them. I can sit here and look through them and feel that pride welling up inside me.

But yesterday after the wedding all I wanted was someone to share in my pride and excitement. I was supposed to be going out with friends but it was all cancelled so I just ended up at home by myself. I managed to distract myself until bedtime but I felt sad. I treated myself but it would have been so nice to have someone who was proud of me.

But I know that I've yet to meet that person so it's better to just be proud of myself and know how far I've come in the last year.

Yesterday was probably the first and last time I'll ever hold a bridal bouquet and I was only holding it for someone else while they had their photo taken.

Red at Night

My mum has always said that I'm a very emotional, sensitive person and that it makes her worry about me more, because I seem to feel everything. She's totally right and in a way I wish it wasn't the case but I'm also sort of glad that it is. I know that when things go wrong, or I get hurt that I feel it, really feel it and sometimes I wish I didn't because sometimes it hurts too much. But I know that I deal with it. I face the pain and hurt and work through it, work out why I feel the way I do, what I can do to make it easier and how I can learn from the mistakes I made and not repeat them.

Some people don't deal with how they feel, they push the feelings to one side, throw themselves into life and don't think about it. This might work for a while and at the end of the day the world doesn't stop turning just because you had your heart broken or bruised. Life carries on no matter what pain you feel but if you don't deal with it, it's gonna come back and hit you. Hard.

I watch as other people push the pain aside and I know that because I've been taking the time out to deal with how I feel that I'll be in a better place soon and I'll be able to really enjoy all the amazing things that are around the corner.

The reason I'm hurting is because the truth hurts and the truth is, if he asked, I'd give him my heart, even though I know he'd probably break it. But he hasn't asked and that makes my heart hurt anyway.