I've always been a bit fan of change. I think it's important to always keep moving forward with your life, to shake things up so that your life doesn't became stale. I have a pretty short attention span so I think that has something to do with it but I will never understand those people who stay in the same place, and not just literally, although there is something awesome about living somewhere other then where you grew up, even just for a while. People who are resistant to change always strike me as scared.
Don't get me wrong, my first day living in London was scary. Getting a flat by myself for the first time was scary, going back to college at 26 was scary. But all it was also amazing too and so worth being scared for. Going back to college has proved to be one of the best things I've ever done. I love what I'm studying and have made some great friends through my course. Living on my own is on occasion still kind of scary but also amazing too. My flat is my own little place away from the rest of the world and i feel at home the minute I step through the door. I feel safe here because I'm in control. I have no reason to fear what is coming through the door because no one is, unless I choose to let them in.
The best thing about change is that it opens up unexpected things and sometimes those unexpected things can be better then the expected things.
Thats why change is so good, because it opens you up to amazing things you would have missed if you were standing still.
Sunday, 28 February 2010
Saturday, 27 February 2010
There goes my hero
Itunes shuffle is playing songs to fit my mood apparently. My Hero by Foo Fighters just came on!
"Don't the best of them bleed it out, while the rest of them peter out".
The people I admire are the ones who keep going for what they want, not the ones who live in fear or blame others for their own failures or weaknesses. The worst ones are the ones who put there own weaknesses onto others until those people are broken. Taking responsibility for your own actions is a sign of a decent person and the person who won't admit when they made a mistake or did something wrong is the worst kind of person. I have first hand experience of that and I know now it's not worth being around anyone like that. Because you end up blaming yourself for someone elses mistakes and then you end up a mess.
Not going to happen again.
"Don't the best of them bleed it out, while the rest of them peter out".
The people I admire are the ones who keep going for what they want, not the ones who live in fear or blame others for their own failures or weaknesses. The worst ones are the ones who put there own weaknesses onto others until those people are broken. Taking responsibility for your own actions is a sign of a decent person and the person who won't admit when they made a mistake or did something wrong is the worst kind of person. I have first hand experience of that and I know now it's not worth being around anyone like that. Because you end up blaming yourself for someone elses mistakes and then you end up a mess.
Not going to happen again.
Don't let yourself sink
Tonight I'm worried about friends. Some of them are struggling and it breaks my heart that I can't do more. I put shuffle on itunes just now and Swim by Jack's Mannequin came on right away. I want to tell my friends they've gotta "swim and swim when it hurts" and I think they are swimming and I'm proud of them for keeping going. I know how it feels to want to give in but I also know how good it feels to not give in and get through it. I know that I will always keep going, that I can force myself out of bed and into the world on the darkest days but I don't know fully how to help my friends and it makes me feel useless.
It also makes me realise what real love is, its that ache in your chest when someone you love is hurting, its feeling useless because you don't know what else you can do and its fear that nothing you could do would be enough. Love hurts because its a powerless feeling but it also feels amazing because it feels safe. Proper love should always feels safe, you know its not real love if you are scared of it. And if someone is looking you in the eye and saying they love you but you are scared of them then they are lying to you, because no one who is terrifying you loves you.
I'm not a big My Chemical Romance fan but their song Famous Last Words just came on my shuffle. " I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone"
It also makes me realise what real love is, its that ache in your chest when someone you love is hurting, its feeling useless because you don't know what else you can do and its fear that nothing you could do would be enough. Love hurts because its a powerless feeling but it also feels amazing because it feels safe. Proper love should always feels safe, you know its not real love if you are scared of it. And if someone is looking you in the eye and saying they love you but you are scared of them then they are lying to you, because no one who is terrifying you loves you.
I'm not a big My Chemical Romance fan but their song Famous Last Words just came on my shuffle. " I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone"
I'm late for a very important date
I used to think that 'time heals all wounds' was a load of bull. I get that in physical terms its true. You break a bone it needs time to heal, you get a tattoo the skin needs time to heal from what it went through, but when it came to the wounds of the heart I wasn't entirely sure that it was true, turns out it is. I've realised just how important time can be. The more and more months that come between me and everything that happened the better I feel.
My confidence has started to return, my self-esteem is no longer in my shoes, my desire to achieve and succeed is back. Basically the person I used to be has started to come back and this took time. Sure it also took guts, determination and sheer balls, but time played a massive part. There were some pretty shitty setbacks but I survived and time has also proved this to me, no matter what happens I have the strength to handle it.
I see now how time helps. The futhur you get from a tramatic event or bad experience the easier it gets to face it or eventually even to laugh about it.
About a month ago I dated a guy for a couple of weeks. He didn't stop going on about how much he liked me, how he saw a future with me and how he couldn't stop thinking about me. Then it stopped and he was being a dickhead to me and acting weird. I couldn't get my head around why he was acting the way he was and I was pretty pissed off and weirded out. He had left his favourite hoodie at my place and I contemplated a whole load of revenge towards that hoodie.
Ended up doing nothing but leaving it in a heap at the bottom of my wardrobe and now I'm really glad I did. Thats cause of time, because time has made it so that it doesn't hurt anymore and in fact I can laugh at the fact that he is still apparently interested and I've moved on. I could totally give him his hoodie back in one piece now, but only if he comes begging for it cause that would be quite entertaining!
Basically time means being able to look back on something, instead of being right in the middle of it and looking back on something means being able to see the situation clearly for what it was. Now if only I could work out someway to do this when in the present I'd be set.
My confidence has started to return, my self-esteem is no longer in my shoes, my desire to achieve and succeed is back. Basically the person I used to be has started to come back and this took time. Sure it also took guts, determination and sheer balls, but time played a massive part. There were some pretty shitty setbacks but I survived and time has also proved this to me, no matter what happens I have the strength to handle it.
I see now how time helps. The futhur you get from a tramatic event or bad experience the easier it gets to face it or eventually even to laugh about it.
About a month ago I dated a guy for a couple of weeks. He didn't stop going on about how much he liked me, how he saw a future with me and how he couldn't stop thinking about me. Then it stopped and he was being a dickhead to me and acting weird. I couldn't get my head around why he was acting the way he was and I was pretty pissed off and weirded out. He had left his favourite hoodie at my place and I contemplated a whole load of revenge towards that hoodie.
Ended up doing nothing but leaving it in a heap at the bottom of my wardrobe and now I'm really glad I did. Thats cause of time, because time has made it so that it doesn't hurt anymore and in fact I can laugh at the fact that he is still apparently interested and I've moved on. I could totally give him his hoodie back in one piece now, but only if he comes begging for it cause that would be quite entertaining!
Basically time means being able to look back on something, instead of being right in the middle of it and looking back on something means being able to see the situation clearly for what it was. Now if only I could work out someway to do this when in the present I'd be set.
Thursday, 25 February 2010
I can bend and not break
So today has been a running errands kind of day, although I say that the weather was so awful I didn't really get a whole lot done. Plus they moved the pet shop, which didn't help. Anyways it was one of those days where a lot of stuff was running round my brain. Recently I have, without sounding arrogant, had no problem in meeting boys, but they have just been that, boys, younger then me and with no real idea of who they are. I haven't been all that bothered about any of them, just been going out with girlfriends and living my life. No one has really blown me away. Until now and hes not a boy at all!
Its funny how you deny things to yourself to save your heart. I thought he had a girlfriend so I refused to even think about why when I thought I saw him in the pub one night, my heart jumped. But then he made it pretty clear he is single and he also asked me about my situation. So now I have let the crush I have run free!! and of course now I'm terrified. I think I've been kind of hiding in these boys because I know its not going anywhere, that I won't feel anything therefore I won't get hurt. Again. But now I really like someone and as much as it's an amazing feeling it's also full on scary. Because he might not like me back, because he might and then it might work and then it might go wrong. There are far too many mights running through my head. At the bottom of it all though is that this person is the kind of person I always pictured myself with. He is real and because all this is real, the hurt could be real too. But if I have learnt anything from my experiences its that you have to feel the fear and go for it, because everything might be taken away from you at any moment and its better to have said you tried. Plus if he feels the same back then what happens next could be really something.
Its funny how you deny things to yourself to save your heart. I thought he had a girlfriend so I refused to even think about why when I thought I saw him in the pub one night, my heart jumped. But then he made it pretty clear he is single and he also asked me about my situation. So now I have let the crush I have run free!! and of course now I'm terrified. I think I've been kind of hiding in these boys because I know its not going anywhere, that I won't feel anything therefore I won't get hurt. Again. But now I really like someone and as much as it's an amazing feeling it's also full on scary. Because he might not like me back, because he might and then it might work and then it might go wrong. There are far too many mights running through my head. At the bottom of it all though is that this person is the kind of person I always pictured myself with. He is real and because all this is real, the hurt could be real too. But if I have learnt anything from my experiences its that you have to feel the fear and go for it, because everything might be taken away from you at any moment and its better to have said you tried. Plus if he feels the same back then what happens next could be really something.
Sunday, 21 February 2010
Rant
Just seen the new adverts the home office have done to raise awareness of abuse and violence in young relationships. I've seen it twice and both times I actually flinched. I checked it out online and apparently the home office has a whole strategy for ending violence against woman and girls. Strategy is their word not mine!
Maybe I'm just cynical but this all seems like a load of shit to me. I can just see a bunch of over paid idiots sitting round discussing this for hours and coming up with all this rubbish.
At the end of the day do they really think they can completely end violence against woman. 1 in 4 woman will experience domestic abuse in their life, that doesn't go away cause the government has a new strategy. What woman really need is help when the abuse happens, help to get away from the abuse, someone to talk to about what is happening to them and then support afterwards to allow them to rebuilt their life. Domestic abuse will never go away but the woman who've been through it need help to move past it. The scars run deep and for most woman they are very well hidden. Woman need help to know that they shouldn't be ashamed of what happened to them, that its not there fault and that they can start again no matter where they are in life. And I don't see that help anywhere so somehow I think there strategy is flawed, what a surprise.
Okay rant over!
Maybe I'm just cynical but this all seems like a load of shit to me. I can just see a bunch of over paid idiots sitting round discussing this for hours and coming up with all this rubbish.
At the end of the day do they really think they can completely end violence against woman. 1 in 4 woman will experience domestic abuse in their life, that doesn't go away cause the government has a new strategy. What woman really need is help when the abuse happens, help to get away from the abuse, someone to talk to about what is happening to them and then support afterwards to allow them to rebuilt their life. Domestic abuse will never go away but the woman who've been through it need help to move past it. The scars run deep and for most woman they are very well hidden. Woman need help to know that they shouldn't be ashamed of what happened to them, that its not there fault and that they can start again no matter where they are in life. And I don't see that help anywhere so somehow I think there strategy is flawed, what a surprise.
Okay rant over!
BFF
I was at my best friends house yesterday and we had one of those proper bonding sessions that make you feel so lucky that this person is in your life.
Her and her boyfriend are planning their future together and we talked about this and about her ideas for their wedding. I think her boy is a great guy and I am so happy for them and I told her that. No matter where I might be in my life, good or bad, I am so glad that they have what they have together, that they love each other and that I have them in my life.
And I get to be a bridesmaid, and I will be allowed to have my tattoos out when I do so!! My friend wants a really open, non-judgemental wedding and I really can't wait to be a part of it!
She told me that I'm a massive part of their life and that she loves me and I admit to getting a little bit teary-eyed because I love these people too and having them in my life makes me feel so lucky.
We had one of those amazing conversations yesterday and I just feel very fortunate. I don't have any sisters and neither does my best friend so I think we fill that role for each other and I really love that.
None of the guys I've dated recently have shown any interest in being a real part of my life and I pity them for that because I have amazing people in my life and they are missing out on meeting them and in being a part of a life that is really pretty awesome.
Man I've clearly got a lot on my mind today!!!
Her and her boyfriend are planning their future together and we talked about this and about her ideas for their wedding. I think her boy is a great guy and I am so happy for them and I told her that. No matter where I might be in my life, good or bad, I am so glad that they have what they have together, that they love each other and that I have them in my life.
And I get to be a bridesmaid, and I will be allowed to have my tattoos out when I do so!! My friend wants a really open, non-judgemental wedding and I really can't wait to be a part of it!
She told me that I'm a massive part of their life and that she loves me and I admit to getting a little bit teary-eyed because I love these people too and having them in my life makes me feel so lucky.
We had one of those amazing conversations yesterday and I just feel very fortunate. I don't have any sisters and neither does my best friend so I think we fill that role for each other and I really love that.
None of the guys I've dated recently have shown any interest in being a real part of my life and I pity them for that because I have amazing people in my life and they are missing out on meeting them and in being a part of a life that is really pretty awesome.
Man I've clearly got a lot on my mind today!!!
Songs about girls
When I first moved back to Scotland I had stopped believing in love. What I'd been through had made me think that love was more just a concept, that it was far too easy to say you loved someone then it was to actually show them how you felt. The stupid truth is that I do still believe, that most nights before I go to bed I say a little prayer, I'm not sure who to cause I'm not religious, but I do it anyway. I'm still not sure that what I'm looking for actually exists and I'm even less sure that it exists for me but I'm gonna keep trying. I refuse to let the bad experiences I've been through put me off.
The only real problem is that I don't think I'm one of those girls. I see nice, sweet guys who write songs about girls, who can't stop thinking about girls and who don't stop trying to show them how they feel. And quite a lot of the time the girls in question don't deserve it and don't appreciate it and its hard to watch because it makes me realise I'm not one of those girls and I don't think I ever will be. I'm gonna try and not give up on it but I don't really know anymore.
I do know that I'm looking in all the wrong places. I know who I am and I've yet to met a boy who understands me and recently all the ones I've met haven't even really cared. I want a boy who says he'll look at my photography portfolio and then actually does it, who smiles when one of my favourite songs comes on and it makes me happy, who'll actually listen to me when I'm talking instead of switching off and who'll try his hardest never to hurt me, physically or emotionally. I try very hard to be the best daughter, friend and student I can be and I know I've got it in me to add girlfriend to that list.
So yeah I do wear my heart on my sleeve, but thats just me and hopefully one day I'll find someone who likes that instead of yet another person who sees it as a weakness.
The only real problem is that I don't think I'm one of those girls. I see nice, sweet guys who write songs about girls, who can't stop thinking about girls and who don't stop trying to show them how they feel. And quite a lot of the time the girls in question don't deserve it and don't appreciate it and its hard to watch because it makes me realise I'm not one of those girls and I don't think I ever will be. I'm gonna try and not give up on it but I don't really know anymore.
I do know that I'm looking in all the wrong places. I know who I am and I've yet to met a boy who understands me and recently all the ones I've met haven't even really cared. I want a boy who says he'll look at my photography portfolio and then actually does it, who smiles when one of my favourite songs comes on and it makes me happy, who'll actually listen to me when I'm talking instead of switching off and who'll try his hardest never to hurt me, physically or emotionally. I try very hard to be the best daughter, friend and student I can be and I know I've got it in me to add girlfriend to that list.
So yeah I do wear my heart on my sleeve, but thats just me and hopefully one day I'll find someone who likes that instead of yet another person who sees it as a weakness.
Heart on my sleeve
"Cuz I wear my heart on my sleeve, my appearance may be decieving, it doesn't matter what you think because the truth is in ink!"
I love to write but for the second half of 2009 I didn't really feel like I had anything to write about. In actual fact there was loads i could have written about but I wasn't ready to put it out there. Now I feel that I have a life worth writing about I figured I would start up again and maybe the stuff that came before will come out at some point.
So I'm living back in Scotland after 8 and a half years in London. I'm studying photography, which I love, I have my own little flat that feels like a home and some of the most amazing friends ever. I'm also completely and utterly back in love with music and all the other things in my life I stopped loving before.
It sounds really corny but thinking I was about to die has brought me back to life. In those few moments when I thought my life was going to be over, I woke up and although it took me a while to realise it fully I am now living my life the way I want to. I'm living out my dreams. I never thought on that horrible day in November 08 that what was happening would be a positive thing but it has been, its made me realise just how strong I am and that I am capable of coming back from anything life has to throw at me. I don't ever want to forget what happened, I don't ever want to forgive but I do want to keep trying my hardest to live my life. I was making a pretty big mess of it before and now I have a second chance to make it right and thats what I'm doing.
I love to write but for the second half of 2009 I didn't really feel like I had anything to write about. In actual fact there was loads i could have written about but I wasn't ready to put it out there. Now I feel that I have a life worth writing about I figured I would start up again and maybe the stuff that came before will come out at some point.
So I'm living back in Scotland after 8 and a half years in London. I'm studying photography, which I love, I have my own little flat that feels like a home and some of the most amazing friends ever. I'm also completely and utterly back in love with music and all the other things in my life I stopped loving before.
It sounds really corny but thinking I was about to die has brought me back to life. In those few moments when I thought my life was going to be over, I woke up and although it took me a while to realise it fully I am now living my life the way I want to. I'm living out my dreams. I never thought on that horrible day in November 08 that what was happening would be a positive thing but it has been, its made me realise just how strong I am and that I am capable of coming back from anything life has to throw at me. I don't ever want to forget what happened, I don't ever want to forgive but I do want to keep trying my hardest to live my life. I was making a pretty big mess of it before and now I have a second chance to make it right and thats what I'm doing.
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