So today is a lonely day. They happen less and less now because I'm happy with the life I have and I don't need someone in it to complete it, but that doesn't mean that I don't want someone. Days like today make me so aware of that. I'm trying to fill it best I can by running errands, reading, listening to music but I want company. I'm sitting on my living room window sill watching the world go by and I can't help but wish there was someone else here or at least someone who wanted to be.
Most of the time myself is enough. Most of the time I'm fine in my own world but on days like today I just want a massive hug.
I'm so jaded by it all, so fed up of going into things with the best of intentions and the highest hopes only for another guy to stop calling or texting or talking online after a few days of getting to know them and not having the faintest idea what has changed in those few days. I keep trying to be open minded and to go into things with the right frame of mind, if I meet someone I'm interested in I show them I'm interested and it gets me nowhere.
I'm trying really hard not to take it personally but its hard on days like today when I sit here and watch the guy I told I liked walk right past my flat without a second glance its hard not to think that I've done something wrong.
I love my flat and I love sitting on my window sill looking out on the city centre but sometimes I feel like the world has forgotten about me way up here.
I'll be alright in a couple of days.
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Beautiful Pride
This morning I got a nice package in the post. The first album of one of my oldest dearest friends. I felt so proud when I opened it and as I sit here listening to it I can't help but cry. The music is just stunningly beautiful, its melancholy and uplifting at the same time and I feel this so massively proud of him, so happy for him for finally doing something he always dreamed of doing.
I love Sigur Ros and that's what it reminds me of, but it means way more because I know about every ounce of love and care and passion that went into this music.
I've known this friend of mine for nearly 9 years and once upon a time he was my first real boyfriend. He taught me so much about compassion and trust and love and about being brave and strong and real and I will never forget everything he did for me, everything he gave me. There are still times when I wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed with him, if we had made a go of it instead of letting our relationship slip into a friendship.
Life was hard on our relationship, hardest when he lost his amazing dad and neither of us knew how to cope with the agony and grief, the anger and frustration and the pain that that brought.
Watching someone you love lose someone they love is so hard and so difficult and in a way it tore us apart.
I'll never know what might have been but as I sit here listening to this music, I feel grateful that this person is in my life and I also feel so proud of him for doing this, for getting through all the hard days and making some truly amazing, beautiful music.
I miss him and wish I could give him a hug and tell him all this but I can't and I think that's why I'm crying.
I love Sigur Ros and that's what it reminds me of, but it means way more because I know about every ounce of love and care and passion that went into this music.
I've known this friend of mine for nearly 9 years and once upon a time he was my first real boyfriend. He taught me so much about compassion and trust and love and about being brave and strong and real and I will never forget everything he did for me, everything he gave me. There are still times when I wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed with him, if we had made a go of it instead of letting our relationship slip into a friendship.
Life was hard on our relationship, hardest when he lost his amazing dad and neither of us knew how to cope with the agony and grief, the anger and frustration and the pain that that brought.
Watching someone you love lose someone they love is so hard and so difficult and in a way it tore us apart.
I'll never know what might have been but as I sit here listening to this music, I feel grateful that this person is in my life and I also feel so proud of him for doing this, for getting through all the hard days and making some truly amazing, beautiful music.
I miss him and wish I could give him a hug and tell him all this but I can't and I think that's why I'm crying.
Saturday, 20 March 2010
Thank you for playing the way you play
Currently watching the DVD that comes with the New Found Glory self-titled album 10th anniversary edition. Its making me nostalgic in a massive way for 2002. I love the fact that music becomes such a massive part of your memory and that not just songs but bands, can bring back faces and places and make you feel safe. Summer 2001 I listened to the self-titled so much, it was the summer between college and uni and I had a summer job at a small hotel. I used to take the CD to work and play it when cleaning, I even convinced my boss that I was listening to the radio and he believed me!
Then I moved to London and in May 2002 NFG finally toured and I saw them for the first time. It was a gig at the Garage in London and it was a way too small venue for them to be playing considering and it was so immense that I kept going to see them over and over again that year. At the Forum with Finch supporting, at Reading festival, where I wore my NFG hoodie for the whole weekend and had some guy yell out "New Found Glory" at me across the campsite. That was the summer that Sticks and Stones came out and it helped me through my first major heart break, I was convinced that Head on Collision was written about my break up with my first love!
This is all just a long way of saying that there are some bands that stay with you no matter what, whose music buries itself deep inside of your soul and gives you hope no matter what. There are a couple of bands that will hold that place for me and New Found Glory are one of them. They have been in my life for a whole lot longer then any boy and after every break up or bad day they are still there. When the boys don't call or text me back or tell me they don't want me, New Found Glory will always be there. I would rather have their music and all that it means to me then any of the boy drama, but then of course I probably wouldn't have needed their music as much if there hadn't been any boy drama!!
Then I moved to London and in May 2002 NFG finally toured and I saw them for the first time. It was a gig at the Garage in London and it was a way too small venue for them to be playing considering and it was so immense that I kept going to see them over and over again that year. At the Forum with Finch supporting, at Reading festival, where I wore my NFG hoodie for the whole weekend and had some guy yell out "New Found Glory" at me across the campsite. That was the summer that Sticks and Stones came out and it helped me through my first major heart break, I was convinced that Head on Collision was written about my break up with my first love!
This is all just a long way of saying that there are some bands that stay with you no matter what, whose music buries itself deep inside of your soul and gives you hope no matter what. There are a couple of bands that will hold that place for me and New Found Glory are one of them. They have been in my life for a whole lot longer then any boy and after every break up or bad day they are still there. When the boys don't call or text me back or tell me they don't want me, New Found Glory will always be there. I would rather have their music and all that it means to me then any of the boy drama, but then of course I probably wouldn't have needed their music as much if there hadn't been any boy drama!!
Friday, 19 March 2010
On my Own
Since my lecturer had to change classes around this week it has meant a long weekend, ordinarily this would probably have been a excuse to go out, stay up late etc but I am totally and utterly wiped out by my life right now so i decided instead to head to my parents house where I know all I would have to do is eat and sleep which is exactly what I need right now. I have really supportive amazing parents and they are cooking all my favourite meals and letting me sleep as much as I want.
This past week has made me realise a few things, especially as the main reason for the lack of sleep has been a boy. There is no point in really trying at this relationship thing, if its meant to be then it will be and it shouldn't involve lots of hard work and lying awake for hours. Also if a guy can't see me for who I really am then why am I bothering?
I have yet to meet a guy who is truly interested in me, who wants to get to know me and be with me. They are all interested in other things. I used to believe that this was a sign that I wasn't all that, that there are some girls that get the kind of devotion and I was just not one of them, but I'm not so sure anymore. For a start, yet another celebrity woman has found out about her husbands affair this week and if it's happening to these woman why be surprised that its happening to us mere mortals!
Also whats the point? I repeatedly put myself out there trying to find someone and it always backfires, I always end up hurt or feeling rejected and it sucks. I've spend a lot of time building myself up from a previous relationship and I've made myself into a strong, determined woman with ambition and drive. I have the previously mentioned supportive family and some amazing friends. I have intelligence, talent and the unshakable belief that no matter what I will always be okay. I got Indestructible tattooed on me for a reason because I am.
But yet my belief in myself and my life is put into question because of guys, they make me doubt myself, make me wonder if there's something wrong with me and make me question the things that make me who I am.
This all probably sounds really negative but its actually positive because I have realised this week that there is no point in being with anyone. I am on my own and that is okay. I have my own life, my own home, my own friends and most importantly I have my freedom to live my life the way I choose. Why do I keep thinking I want to let someone in to share all of this when they constantly make me question it all?
Its just a waste of my time that could be better spend working on my photography, with my family and friends or actually sleeping. I did not want to spend Monday night up until 4 in the morning worrying about a boy and what he thinks so why bother? Why not just let it all go and forget about it.
Its better to be alone, in the sense of single, then it is to be with someone and unhappy. I always knew this but this week has proved to me that being alone is better then just okay its great.
This past week has made me realise a few things, especially as the main reason for the lack of sleep has been a boy. There is no point in really trying at this relationship thing, if its meant to be then it will be and it shouldn't involve lots of hard work and lying awake for hours. Also if a guy can't see me for who I really am then why am I bothering?
I have yet to meet a guy who is truly interested in me, who wants to get to know me and be with me. They are all interested in other things. I used to believe that this was a sign that I wasn't all that, that there are some girls that get the kind of devotion and I was just not one of them, but I'm not so sure anymore. For a start, yet another celebrity woman has found out about her husbands affair this week and if it's happening to these woman why be surprised that its happening to us mere mortals!
Also whats the point? I repeatedly put myself out there trying to find someone and it always backfires, I always end up hurt or feeling rejected and it sucks. I've spend a lot of time building myself up from a previous relationship and I've made myself into a strong, determined woman with ambition and drive. I have the previously mentioned supportive family and some amazing friends. I have intelligence, talent and the unshakable belief that no matter what I will always be okay. I got Indestructible tattooed on me for a reason because I am.
But yet my belief in myself and my life is put into question because of guys, they make me doubt myself, make me wonder if there's something wrong with me and make me question the things that make me who I am.
This all probably sounds really negative but its actually positive because I have realised this week that there is no point in being with anyone. I am on my own and that is okay. I have my own life, my own home, my own friends and most importantly I have my freedom to live my life the way I choose. Why do I keep thinking I want to let someone in to share all of this when they constantly make me question it all?
Its just a waste of my time that could be better spend working on my photography, with my family and friends or actually sleeping. I did not want to spend Monday night up until 4 in the morning worrying about a boy and what he thinks so why bother? Why not just let it all go and forget about it.
Its better to be alone, in the sense of single, then it is to be with someone and unhappy. I always knew this but this week has proved to me that being alone is better then just okay its great.
Friday, 12 March 2010
Turn it Off
Bloody hell there are times when I wish my brain had an off switch, or that I could take it out and leave it in solution overnight, like contact lenses.
Sometimes I just need a break from all the stuff running around in my head, at the moment there are some many unanswered questions and no matter how long I lie awake at night I can't find the answers because right not there aren't any.
They will come with time and I know I just need to be patient, but that has never been one of my strong points and the unknown is scary and right now not in the good way.
Maybe I've just had too many late nights and not enough sleep.
Sometimes I just need a break from all the stuff running around in my head, at the moment there are some many unanswered questions and no matter how long I lie awake at night I can't find the answers because right not there aren't any.
They will come with time and I know I just need to be patient, but that has never been one of my strong points and the unknown is scary and right now not in the good way.
Maybe I've just had too many late nights and not enough sleep.
Sunday, 7 March 2010
state of affairs
This weekend has made me realise something, no matter what people say when it comes down to it they will always pick relationships or love over friendships, they will always come first. If your single, not in love, alone, however you want to put it, you will prioritise other things in your life. Your career, your family, your hobbies and most definitely your friends. They will be really important to you as they are the people who you turn to for support for the love and companionship that we all need.
But people who are in relationships or falling in love or whatever, well most of them will pick that over friends. I watched it happen a bit this weekend, watched friends putting friendships behind their relationships. Most of the time the friend was in their life way before the boyfriend/girlfriend but that means nothing. I found myself feeling like a third wheel this weekend, I found myself being ignored and I found myself realising that this is what will always happen, no matter what.
There is this deep fear in a lot of people that they will end up alone and friends and family don't seem to mean your not alone. If you are single and your 25 or above, at least that seems to be the age right now, you start to prioritise relationships, even unhealthy ones, over really healthy friendships.
I'm not bitter, its just more of a state of fact really and I know that I'd probably be doing the same thing if I had someone in my life like that. I've promised myself that if things do work out the way I want them to I will not do that, that I'll still make time for friends. Of course things change if you meet someone but they shouldn't change to such an extent that your friends start to get pissed of at you for bailing on them time and time again or for always turning up with the other half in tow.
The big problem is that you can't tell them to come alone cause then it looks like you don't like the other half and if you want to keep the friend you have to like the person they choose to be with. Wanting to spend time with them alone doesn't mean you hate their other half it just means you want your friend to yourself for a while, because you are missing something in your life that they have and your priority's are different.
But nothing will ever change, its always going to be this way because people would rather spend the rest of their lives with one person then with a few. Doesn't mean spreading yourself too thin, just means remembering the people you are forgetting about.
But people who are in relationships or falling in love or whatever, well most of them will pick that over friends. I watched it happen a bit this weekend, watched friends putting friendships behind their relationships. Most of the time the friend was in their life way before the boyfriend/girlfriend but that means nothing. I found myself feeling like a third wheel this weekend, I found myself being ignored and I found myself realising that this is what will always happen, no matter what.
There is this deep fear in a lot of people that they will end up alone and friends and family don't seem to mean your not alone. If you are single and your 25 or above, at least that seems to be the age right now, you start to prioritise relationships, even unhealthy ones, over really healthy friendships.
I'm not bitter, its just more of a state of fact really and I know that I'd probably be doing the same thing if I had someone in my life like that. I've promised myself that if things do work out the way I want them to I will not do that, that I'll still make time for friends. Of course things change if you meet someone but they shouldn't change to such an extent that your friends start to get pissed of at you for bailing on them time and time again or for always turning up with the other half in tow.
The big problem is that you can't tell them to come alone cause then it looks like you don't like the other half and if you want to keep the friend you have to like the person they choose to be with. Wanting to spend time with them alone doesn't mean you hate their other half it just means you want your friend to yourself for a while, because you are missing something in your life that they have and your priority's are different.
But nothing will ever change, its always going to be this way because people would rather spend the rest of their lives with one person then with a few. Doesn't mean spreading yourself too thin, just means remembering the people you are forgetting about.
Friday, 5 March 2010
Your House
As a child I moved house once and I was 4 and don't really remember much about the whole experience. But since I left home at 18 I have moved house soo many times I've actually lost count, I think its about 14 times.
I moved down to London and then just seemed to go from place to place. I stayed in my favourite flat in Kingston for just under 2 years and that was the longest I'd lived anywhere and if I'd had more of a say I think I would have stayed in that flat for longer. But last summer I moved my whole life back up to Scotland and moved back in with my parents for four months while I started putting my life back together.
But now it is back together and it feels great. I never expected my move to Dundee to be as positive as it has been but it really has and I don't really want to move again, although I do really like Glasgow as a city. I have some amazing friends here and nearby, I like the size of Dundee, its a city but a small one and it means everything is pretty close by and I love my flat. Its right in the centre of the town and it feels like home. The thought of packing up and moving again just makes me want to lie down!!
For a long time it was hard for me to think of anywhere as my home because I never stayed anywhere for any length of time. But this flat is my home, even though its just rented. This flat represents true freedom to me. I come and go as I please and I don't have to answer to anyone. I have friends over when I want to, I listen to whatever music I want and watch what I want to on telly, I cook what I want when I want and if I make a bit of a mess then it's my mess and no one elses!!
I know that this would stay the same if I moved to Glasgow but this is the first flat I've ever felt this way about and I don't want to give up this little place. I've learnt how to live on my own and how to cope with the issues that can arise from living on your own and I've grown so much in this little place. Plus it has the best window sill ever!!!
Change is good and things aren't going to stay the same just because I don't move, but another year in this place would be stable and secure and I haven't had stability in my life since I left home at 18.
Plus there are so many positive things to stay in Dundee for, one of which is the PMA I'm rocking by living here!
I moved down to London and then just seemed to go from place to place. I stayed in my favourite flat in Kingston for just under 2 years and that was the longest I'd lived anywhere and if I'd had more of a say I think I would have stayed in that flat for longer. But last summer I moved my whole life back up to Scotland and moved back in with my parents for four months while I started putting my life back together.
But now it is back together and it feels great. I never expected my move to Dundee to be as positive as it has been but it really has and I don't really want to move again, although I do really like Glasgow as a city. I have some amazing friends here and nearby, I like the size of Dundee, its a city but a small one and it means everything is pretty close by and I love my flat. Its right in the centre of the town and it feels like home. The thought of packing up and moving again just makes me want to lie down!!
For a long time it was hard for me to think of anywhere as my home because I never stayed anywhere for any length of time. But this flat is my home, even though its just rented. This flat represents true freedom to me. I come and go as I please and I don't have to answer to anyone. I have friends over when I want to, I listen to whatever music I want and watch what I want to on telly, I cook what I want when I want and if I make a bit of a mess then it's my mess and no one elses!!
I know that this would stay the same if I moved to Glasgow but this is the first flat I've ever felt this way about and I don't want to give up this little place. I've learnt how to live on my own and how to cope with the issues that can arise from living on your own and I've grown so much in this little place. Plus it has the best window sill ever!!!
Change is good and things aren't going to stay the same just because I don't move, but another year in this place would be stable and secure and I haven't had stability in my life since I left home at 18.
Plus there are so many positive things to stay in Dundee for, one of which is the PMA I'm rocking by living here!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)