On my Own

Since my lecturer had to change classes around this week it has meant a long weekend, ordinarily this would probably have been a excuse to go out, stay up late etc but I am totally and utterly wiped out by my life right now so i decided instead to head to my parents house where I know all I would have to do is eat and sleep which is exactly what I need right now. I have really supportive amazing parents and they are cooking all my favourite meals and letting me sleep as much as I want.
This past week has made me realise a few things, especially as the main reason for the lack of sleep has been a boy. There is no point in really trying at this relationship thing, if its meant to be then it will be and it shouldn't involve lots of hard work and lying awake for hours. Also if a guy can't see me for who I really am then why am I bothering?
I have yet to meet a guy who is truly interested in me, who wants to get to know me and be with me. They are all interested in other things. I used to believe that this was a sign that I wasn't all that, that there are some girls that get the kind of devotion and I was just not one of them, but I'm not so sure anymore. For a start, yet another celebrity woman has found out about her husbands affair this week and if it's happening to these woman why be surprised that its happening to us mere mortals!
Also whats the point? I repeatedly put myself out there trying to find someone and it always backfires, I always end up hurt or feeling rejected and it sucks. I've spend a lot of time building myself up from a previous relationship and I've made myself into a strong, determined woman with ambition and drive. I have the previously mentioned supportive family and some amazing friends. I have intelligence, talent and the unshakable belief that no matter what I will always be okay. I got Indestructible tattooed on me for a reason because I am.
But yet my belief in myself and my life is put into question because of guys, they make me doubt myself, make me wonder if there's something wrong with me and make me question the things that make me who I am.
This all probably sounds really negative but its actually positive because I have realised this week that there is no point in being with anyone. I am on my own and that is okay. I have my own life, my own home, my own friends and most importantly I have my freedom to live my life the way I choose. Why do I keep thinking I want to let someone in to share all of this when they constantly make me question it all?
Its just a waste of my time that could be better spend working on my photography, with my family and friends or actually sleeping. I did not want to spend Monday night up until 4 in the morning worrying about a boy and what he thinks so why bother? Why not just let it all go and forget about it.
Its better to be alone, in the sense of single, then it is to be with someone and unhappy. I always knew this but this week has proved to me that being alone is better then just okay its great.