High Fidelity is one of my favourite books ever, in fact it's probably the book I've read more then any other. I even have the pages with my favourite bits on them folded at the corners.
Obviously it's a favourite because its about music and people who love music and who let it have a huge role in their life's.
But my favourite parts in the book are the parts where the main character talks about which came first the music or the misery, and every time I read it it makes me think.
" Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as a consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship."
What if this is true? Does that mean I have to give up listening to music and reading books and watching films in order to have a healthy attitude to love?
Do I have unrealistic ideas about what love is because of the songs I listen to?
Or I am just endlessly hopeful that the feelings expressed in these songs can be real, because they must be because someone felt them and made a song out of them.
I don't wanna give up the music but I also don't want to give up on the idea that I can find the kind of love that has inspired those songs.
Maybe it truly is unrealistic, I hope its not but really I have no idea.
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
Friday, 9 April 2010
Sing the Sorrow
Last night I went to my first proper gig since July last year and it was without a doubt an awesome experience. I had forgotten just how good the whole live music experience is. I went to see AFI in Glasgow with Sick of it all as support. Neither of those bands are my absolute favourites but I'd seen SOIA before and knew they were good live and had never seen AFI and always wanted to.
It felt so good to be back at a proper live show. For quite a long time life got in the way of my love of music and when I finally got out of the bad situation I was in, music was what brought me back to life. I was living back with my parents over the summer and was sitting up for hours at night rediscovering everything on my itunes and it felt so good to do that. To really listen to music and take it all in. I remember sitting up listening to Sticks and Stones by New Found Glory and smiling properly for the first time in a while.
I kind of get lost for words when trying to describe what music means to me because its just a feeling, kind of like falling in love I guess. Its just a feeling inside of you. I know that not everyone feels that way about music and I'm just so glad that I do, that it means that much to me that I know I can turn to it to get me through anything.
I know exactly what to listen to when I need to feel sad and cry and get it out of my system, I know what to listen to to make me feel strong and determined, what music will calm me down and what music will make me smile and bounce around and I'm so thankful I have that.
It felt so good to be back at a proper live show. For quite a long time life got in the way of my love of music and when I finally got out of the bad situation I was in, music was what brought me back to life. I was living back with my parents over the summer and was sitting up for hours at night rediscovering everything on my itunes and it felt so good to do that. To really listen to music and take it all in. I remember sitting up listening to Sticks and Stones by New Found Glory and smiling properly for the first time in a while.
I kind of get lost for words when trying to describe what music means to me because its just a feeling, kind of like falling in love I guess. Its just a feeling inside of you. I know that not everyone feels that way about music and I'm just so glad that I do, that it means that much to me that I know I can turn to it to get me through anything.
I know exactly what to listen to when I need to feel sad and cry and get it out of my system, I know what to listen to to make me feel strong and determined, what music will calm me down and what music will make me smile and bounce around and I'm so thankful I have that.
Sunday, 4 April 2010
In My Eyes
Today I have decided to stop drinking. Last night I drank to feel better and to forget, even though I'm not stupid and I know that alcohol is a depressant and that it would make me feel worse. I was totally right of course, I ended up pissing off a friend, overreacting to stuff and feeling awful. I was not myself and I was not proud of how I behaved. This afternoon I sat here and thought hard about drinking and what it is and what it does.
I am very anti-drugs and always have been, I just don't believe in putting all that nasty stuff into your system, but yet I would go out and drink. I have never really heavily drank, never passed out or puked or forgotten where I live but there have been nights like last night. Also I have watched what alcohol does to other people. I have been treated badly by people when they've been drunk, I've seen absolutely everything that alcohol can do to people but I always knew that I could control the amount of alcohol that I consumed.
I still can and could, I can easily go out for a pub lunch and have a beer and just have one. But I have really started to hate how it makes me feel and what it does to people. The main reason I have drank is because everyone else does. If you say your not going to drink then people don't understand, they want you to go out and join in and have fun and to do that they think you have to drink in order to do that, but in all honesty the best times in my life have occured when sober. I don't enjoy feeling the way I did last night, I don't enjoy feeling awful when I have a hangover. I like to be in control of my life and the minute I drink I stop feeling in control. I think most people drink for all the wrong reasons and I know for certain that I drink for the wrong reasons.
There are so many things that in my life that I have stopped doing because I know its harmful to me, things I have walked away from because I know its wrong but yet I have continued to drink. If I think long and hard about why I drank its because everyone around me did it and because I felt it was expected of me as part of the social world I was in at the time. I've gone through long periods of not drinking because I haven't been around it but in the last couple of months I've drank quite a lot and really hated how it makes me feel. So I'm done.
I need to keep a clear head and face my problems head on, I need to not rely on a drug to help me deal. If I have a bad day then I shouldn't reach for a bottle of beer, I should deal with how I'm feeling and sort out the problem in another way and that's what I want. I want a clear head and I don't want to find myself drunk, crying on the floor of a club toilet ever again.
I am very anti-drugs and always have been, I just don't believe in putting all that nasty stuff into your system, but yet I would go out and drink. I have never really heavily drank, never passed out or puked or forgotten where I live but there have been nights like last night. Also I have watched what alcohol does to other people. I have been treated badly by people when they've been drunk, I've seen absolutely everything that alcohol can do to people but I always knew that I could control the amount of alcohol that I consumed.
I still can and could, I can easily go out for a pub lunch and have a beer and just have one. But I have really started to hate how it makes me feel and what it does to people. The main reason I have drank is because everyone else does. If you say your not going to drink then people don't understand, they want you to go out and join in and have fun and to do that they think you have to drink in order to do that, but in all honesty the best times in my life have occured when sober. I don't enjoy feeling the way I did last night, I don't enjoy feeling awful when I have a hangover. I like to be in control of my life and the minute I drink I stop feeling in control. I think most people drink for all the wrong reasons and I know for certain that I drink for the wrong reasons.
There are so many things that in my life that I have stopped doing because I know its harmful to me, things I have walked away from because I know its wrong but yet I have continued to drink. If I think long and hard about why I drank its because everyone around me did it and because I felt it was expected of me as part of the social world I was in at the time. I've gone through long periods of not drinking because I haven't been around it but in the last couple of months I've drank quite a lot and really hated how it makes me feel. So I'm done.
I need to keep a clear head and face my problems head on, I need to not rely on a drug to help me deal. If I have a bad day then I shouldn't reach for a bottle of beer, I should deal with how I'm feeling and sort out the problem in another way and that's what I want. I want a clear head and I don't want to find myself drunk, crying on the floor of a club toilet ever again.
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Its a shame I'm a dream
So today is a lonely day. They happen less and less now because I'm happy with the life I have and I don't need someone in it to complete it, but that doesn't mean that I don't want someone. Days like today make me so aware of that. I'm trying to fill it best I can by running errands, reading, listening to music but I want company. I'm sitting on my living room window sill watching the world go by and I can't help but wish there was someone else here or at least someone who wanted to be.
Most of the time myself is enough. Most of the time I'm fine in my own world but on days like today I just want a massive hug.
I'm so jaded by it all, so fed up of going into things with the best of intentions and the highest hopes only for another guy to stop calling or texting or talking online after a few days of getting to know them and not having the faintest idea what has changed in those few days. I keep trying to be open minded and to go into things with the right frame of mind, if I meet someone I'm interested in I show them I'm interested and it gets me nowhere.
I'm trying really hard not to take it personally but its hard on days like today when I sit here and watch the guy I told I liked walk right past my flat without a second glance its hard not to think that I've done something wrong.
I love my flat and I love sitting on my window sill looking out on the city centre but sometimes I feel like the world has forgotten about me way up here.
I'll be alright in a couple of days.
Most of the time myself is enough. Most of the time I'm fine in my own world but on days like today I just want a massive hug.
I'm so jaded by it all, so fed up of going into things with the best of intentions and the highest hopes only for another guy to stop calling or texting or talking online after a few days of getting to know them and not having the faintest idea what has changed in those few days. I keep trying to be open minded and to go into things with the right frame of mind, if I meet someone I'm interested in I show them I'm interested and it gets me nowhere.
I'm trying really hard not to take it personally but its hard on days like today when I sit here and watch the guy I told I liked walk right past my flat without a second glance its hard not to think that I've done something wrong.
I love my flat and I love sitting on my window sill looking out on the city centre but sometimes I feel like the world has forgotten about me way up here.
I'll be alright in a couple of days.
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Beautiful Pride
This morning I got a nice package in the post. The first album of one of my oldest dearest friends. I felt so proud when I opened it and as I sit here listening to it I can't help but cry. The music is just stunningly beautiful, its melancholy and uplifting at the same time and I feel this so massively proud of him, so happy for him for finally doing something he always dreamed of doing.
I love Sigur Ros and that's what it reminds me of, but it means way more because I know about every ounce of love and care and passion that went into this music.
I've known this friend of mine for nearly 9 years and once upon a time he was my first real boyfriend. He taught me so much about compassion and trust and love and about being brave and strong and real and I will never forget everything he did for me, everything he gave me. There are still times when I wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed with him, if we had made a go of it instead of letting our relationship slip into a friendship.
Life was hard on our relationship, hardest when he lost his amazing dad and neither of us knew how to cope with the agony and grief, the anger and frustration and the pain that that brought.
Watching someone you love lose someone they love is so hard and so difficult and in a way it tore us apart.
I'll never know what might have been but as I sit here listening to this music, I feel grateful that this person is in my life and I also feel so proud of him for doing this, for getting through all the hard days and making some truly amazing, beautiful music.
I miss him and wish I could give him a hug and tell him all this but I can't and I think that's why I'm crying.
I love Sigur Ros and that's what it reminds me of, but it means way more because I know about every ounce of love and care and passion that went into this music.
I've known this friend of mine for nearly 9 years and once upon a time he was my first real boyfriend. He taught me so much about compassion and trust and love and about being brave and strong and real and I will never forget everything he did for me, everything he gave me. There are still times when I wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed with him, if we had made a go of it instead of letting our relationship slip into a friendship.
Life was hard on our relationship, hardest when he lost his amazing dad and neither of us knew how to cope with the agony and grief, the anger and frustration and the pain that that brought.
Watching someone you love lose someone they love is so hard and so difficult and in a way it tore us apart.
I'll never know what might have been but as I sit here listening to this music, I feel grateful that this person is in my life and I also feel so proud of him for doing this, for getting through all the hard days and making some truly amazing, beautiful music.
I miss him and wish I could give him a hug and tell him all this but I can't and I think that's why I'm crying.
Saturday, 20 March 2010
Thank you for playing the way you play
Currently watching the DVD that comes with the New Found Glory self-titled album 10th anniversary edition. Its making me nostalgic in a massive way for 2002. I love the fact that music becomes such a massive part of your memory and that not just songs but bands, can bring back faces and places and make you feel safe. Summer 2001 I listened to the self-titled so much, it was the summer between college and uni and I had a summer job at a small hotel. I used to take the CD to work and play it when cleaning, I even convinced my boss that I was listening to the radio and he believed me!
Then I moved to London and in May 2002 NFG finally toured and I saw them for the first time. It was a gig at the Garage in London and it was a way too small venue for them to be playing considering and it was so immense that I kept going to see them over and over again that year. At the Forum with Finch supporting, at Reading festival, where I wore my NFG hoodie for the whole weekend and had some guy yell out "New Found Glory" at me across the campsite. That was the summer that Sticks and Stones came out and it helped me through my first major heart break, I was convinced that Head on Collision was written about my break up with my first love!
This is all just a long way of saying that there are some bands that stay with you no matter what, whose music buries itself deep inside of your soul and gives you hope no matter what. There are a couple of bands that will hold that place for me and New Found Glory are one of them. They have been in my life for a whole lot longer then any boy and after every break up or bad day they are still there. When the boys don't call or text me back or tell me they don't want me, New Found Glory will always be there. I would rather have their music and all that it means to me then any of the boy drama, but then of course I probably wouldn't have needed their music as much if there hadn't been any boy drama!!
Then I moved to London and in May 2002 NFG finally toured and I saw them for the first time. It was a gig at the Garage in London and it was a way too small venue for them to be playing considering and it was so immense that I kept going to see them over and over again that year. At the Forum with Finch supporting, at Reading festival, where I wore my NFG hoodie for the whole weekend and had some guy yell out "New Found Glory" at me across the campsite. That was the summer that Sticks and Stones came out and it helped me through my first major heart break, I was convinced that Head on Collision was written about my break up with my first love!
This is all just a long way of saying that there are some bands that stay with you no matter what, whose music buries itself deep inside of your soul and gives you hope no matter what. There are a couple of bands that will hold that place for me and New Found Glory are one of them. They have been in my life for a whole lot longer then any boy and after every break up or bad day they are still there. When the boys don't call or text me back or tell me they don't want me, New Found Glory will always be there. I would rather have their music and all that it means to me then any of the boy drama, but then of course I probably wouldn't have needed their music as much if there hadn't been any boy drama!!
Friday, 19 March 2010
On my Own
Since my lecturer had to change classes around this week it has meant a long weekend, ordinarily this would probably have been a excuse to go out, stay up late etc but I am totally and utterly wiped out by my life right now so i decided instead to head to my parents house where I know all I would have to do is eat and sleep which is exactly what I need right now. I have really supportive amazing parents and they are cooking all my favourite meals and letting me sleep as much as I want.
This past week has made me realise a few things, especially as the main reason for the lack of sleep has been a boy. There is no point in really trying at this relationship thing, if its meant to be then it will be and it shouldn't involve lots of hard work and lying awake for hours. Also if a guy can't see me for who I really am then why am I bothering?
I have yet to meet a guy who is truly interested in me, who wants to get to know me and be with me. They are all interested in other things. I used to believe that this was a sign that I wasn't all that, that there are some girls that get the kind of devotion and I was just not one of them, but I'm not so sure anymore. For a start, yet another celebrity woman has found out about her husbands affair this week and if it's happening to these woman why be surprised that its happening to us mere mortals!
Also whats the point? I repeatedly put myself out there trying to find someone and it always backfires, I always end up hurt or feeling rejected and it sucks. I've spend a lot of time building myself up from a previous relationship and I've made myself into a strong, determined woman with ambition and drive. I have the previously mentioned supportive family and some amazing friends. I have intelligence, talent and the unshakable belief that no matter what I will always be okay. I got Indestructible tattooed on me for a reason because I am.
But yet my belief in myself and my life is put into question because of guys, they make me doubt myself, make me wonder if there's something wrong with me and make me question the things that make me who I am.
This all probably sounds really negative but its actually positive because I have realised this week that there is no point in being with anyone. I am on my own and that is okay. I have my own life, my own home, my own friends and most importantly I have my freedom to live my life the way I choose. Why do I keep thinking I want to let someone in to share all of this when they constantly make me question it all?
Its just a waste of my time that could be better spend working on my photography, with my family and friends or actually sleeping. I did not want to spend Monday night up until 4 in the morning worrying about a boy and what he thinks so why bother? Why not just let it all go and forget about it.
Its better to be alone, in the sense of single, then it is to be with someone and unhappy. I always knew this but this week has proved to me that being alone is better then just okay its great.
This past week has made me realise a few things, especially as the main reason for the lack of sleep has been a boy. There is no point in really trying at this relationship thing, if its meant to be then it will be and it shouldn't involve lots of hard work and lying awake for hours. Also if a guy can't see me for who I really am then why am I bothering?
I have yet to meet a guy who is truly interested in me, who wants to get to know me and be with me. They are all interested in other things. I used to believe that this was a sign that I wasn't all that, that there are some girls that get the kind of devotion and I was just not one of them, but I'm not so sure anymore. For a start, yet another celebrity woman has found out about her husbands affair this week and if it's happening to these woman why be surprised that its happening to us mere mortals!
Also whats the point? I repeatedly put myself out there trying to find someone and it always backfires, I always end up hurt or feeling rejected and it sucks. I've spend a lot of time building myself up from a previous relationship and I've made myself into a strong, determined woman with ambition and drive. I have the previously mentioned supportive family and some amazing friends. I have intelligence, talent and the unshakable belief that no matter what I will always be okay. I got Indestructible tattooed on me for a reason because I am.
But yet my belief in myself and my life is put into question because of guys, they make me doubt myself, make me wonder if there's something wrong with me and make me question the things that make me who I am.
This all probably sounds really negative but its actually positive because I have realised this week that there is no point in being with anyone. I am on my own and that is okay. I have my own life, my own home, my own friends and most importantly I have my freedom to live my life the way I choose. Why do I keep thinking I want to let someone in to share all of this when they constantly make me question it all?
Its just a waste of my time that could be better spend working on my photography, with my family and friends or actually sleeping. I did not want to spend Monday night up until 4 in the morning worrying about a boy and what he thinks so why bother? Why not just let it all go and forget about it.
Its better to be alone, in the sense of single, then it is to be with someone and unhappy. I always knew this but this week has proved to me that being alone is better then just okay its great.
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