Okay, I feel better now.

I've learnt more about myself in the last year than I did in any of the years before it. I've learnt so much about self-preservation, self-respect and about caring about yourself.

I've stopped trying to please people and have started just being myself and the best part is, I have more friends than ever before. Being myself has paid off, in that I have met new people, been new places, seen new bands and just lived.

Being myself, truly myself, feels great. I know what matters to me and I understand better than ever what things are not worth my time. It's taken quite a lot of work to learn all of this but it's been worth it.

Most of all I am truly grateful for the chance that I have had, the opportunity I've had to re-build what was essentially a pretty broken life. I am also now able to be truly grateful to the person who did all the damage to my life, because without him I would not feel as lucky as I do today.

I am more passionate about music now than ever before and every day I listen to music in my flat and rejoice in the fact that there isn't someone slagging it off and hiding my favourite Cd's. There are so many reasons to be grateful and feel lucky and I never would have seen them if it hadn't been for him.

I re-build my life and now its better, so much better. I never want to forget what I went through because it has taught me so much and given me a freedom I thought I had lost.

Broken hearts heal with time, the scars that are left serve as reminders that you took a risk, that you loved and that you are a better person for it.

The one person who really got under my skin, left and I ached again, but through him I found music that helped me and a band I believe in. So again I am grateful. I wish I could thank him for all he did for me, but I don't think he wants to hear it and I don't think he would understand.

Still all I have gained and learned from the two men who have had an impact on me in the last few years is so much that I would never trade in any of the pain.

I'm ready to do it all again, I know I am, but only with someone who deserves my time and can see the person I have become. I'm worth the effort and one day some guy will realise this.

Stronger than Ever

I think sometimes you just have to accept that the life that you thought you were going to happen, maybe just are not. By the time I hit my half a year of being 27 I will also hit 18 months of being single and without any prospects or anyone interested in me. Its not exactly what I expected for myself. I always thought I would find someone and even if we didn't get married, I would at least have found my person, the team mate I've always wanted. So far I haven't, in fact I haven't even been in a reasonable, healthy relationship for nearly 7 years. Not to say I haven't tried, I just haven't met the right person yet and I know this.

I also realise now that it's pretty unreasonable to expect to have the kind of fairytale life you hoped you would have, or to met someone and stay with them forever. Christina Aguilera is someone I look up to and respect, I have a lot of time for her talent, her strength, her work against domestic abuse and her open honesty about how domestic abuse has affected her life. She has recently filed for divorce from a man she has been married to for five years and to whom she has a son. I'm pretty sure that when she walked down the aisle, she did not picture herself getting divorced, especially not when there was a child involved. Shes 29, only a few years older than me and I bet she didn't imagine being a single mum at that age. Sure she has a lot of money, expensive lawyers and her little boy will want for nothing, but it still doesn't make her situation easy and I bet she did not imagine this is where it would end for her.

Of course she's going to find it a whole load easier than I am to find another man, if that's what she wants, but even still it is just another lesson on how relationships don't always last, even ones where marriage and a child are involved.

I admire her bravery in admitting that there was a problem and coming to a decision about what to do, some people stick there head in the sand and pretend everything is fine when it's not, and this is almost worse and can lead to a child growing up around arguments they might otherwise not have witnessed.

When it comes to the matter of love and relationships, I don't think its possible to expect anything to be the way you thought it would be. And to be open to the very real possibility that you might be one of those people who goes through life with many wonderful things and people, but not that other half you expected. I'm prepared for this, it's not ideal but I realise now that it could happen, and even if I did meet someone, I'm prepared to face that it might not always be there. That's the reality.

She loves you

In two days time I will be on my way to see Gaslight Anthem. I am genuinely very,very excited about this, in the way you can only be when you are seeing a favourite band. Over the last few months, a lot has changed in my life, I've grown and learnt a lot and I've faced some of the hard facts of life. Throughout it all Gaslight were my soundtrack, they literally got me out of bed on some mornings when I felt I couldn't move and when I was back in bed at night and couldn't sleep, I'd listen to them to help me through all the thoughts in my head. I always slept better after I'd listened to them.

Ironically I was properly introduced to their music by a guy who came into my life, turned it all around and then left me with a bruised heart and a love of a band from New Jersey. There songs became my bruised and battered against the world anthems, they gave me a reason to keep going, they gave me hope that it would all get better.

Just the thought of seeing them live on Thursday night is making me emotional. I've seen some of my closest friends go through pain in the last week or so and it acts as a painful reminder of how tough life can be sometimes and how you have to find things to help get you through it all.

For me, music and friends are two of those things and Gaslight Anthem have been my go to band for the painful days of the last few months, but they've also been my go to when I'm happy.

I tend to end up finding a band to get me through life's hard moments. When it's hard to scrape yourself up from the floor you're only going to do it for the music that will help. Gaslight have been that band and I'm sure that Thursday will be amazing for me. I know that it will feel like a celebration of making it through all this stuff alive but that it will also be filled with emotion. If by any small chance I meet them all I wanna say is, thank you. Because I'll probably be a big fangirl and not manage many other words.

The Gaslight Anthem

Sometimes it's hard to put how you feel into words, sometimes trying to tell someone how much they mean to you or how much they've hurt you. That moment when there is a massive ache in your heart that you can't put into words you just want to curl up in a ball because the ache doesn't seem to go away. There is also that moment when something gives you goosebumps, or when you are filled with a joy that makes you feel really alive. It's hard to describe exactly how that feels, to put all that into words.

Its also pretty much impossible to describe how it feels when I hear this bands music play. I wish I could describe it.

I get goosebumps, I feel calm but also alive, the world is a better place. Six weeks tonight I will be watching them play and I know it's going to feel incredible. I never expected this band to mean this much to me, given the circumstances of how I came to like them in the first place, but none of that matters, what matters is that the last couple of months of my life would have been so much harder without them.

If I ever met them, without hopefully sounding like a complete scary fan, I would love to tell them what their music meant to me and how it got me through. I've never found a band who can make me like dancing and who I can fall asleep listening to.

With their music on I know everything will be okay.

Great Expectations

Someone told me recently that I think everything through. I always saw this as a bad thing because I thought I over analysed even the smallest thing and killed it with worrying, questioning and doubting. But she said to me that she thought it was a good thing because I weighed everything up and was very aware of what I was doing. I always wished that I could be one of those people who just acted without thinking too much, sure those people make more mistakes but they always seem to get away with it and they probably don't sit up half the night worrying.

However I think she might be right. I make pros and cons lists in my head for decisions I have to make, I way up how my decisions will affect others and I go with my gut instinct on stuff. If I'm lying awake worrying about something or someone then maybe it's not right for me. It might seem sometimes like I worry about things that I really don't need to but I think I mostly make the right decisions because I've thought before I acted.

So many people say things that they think other people want to hear. They do it for an easier life, because they're scared to tell the truth, too scared to upset someone, not cause they care about that person but because they can't cope with it all themselves. I refuse to be one of those people. The truth can hurt, but lies hurt even more. All lies do is delay the truth so when the truth finally comes out, usually in that person's actions, it hurts even more because it feels like deceit and if over thinking things mean I don't lie to people I care about and that I don't deceive myself then it is a good thing.

I would never suggest that everyone over-thinks the way I do but it would probably make a huge difference if people thought just a bit more before they open their mouths. Lies don't change the truth or make it go away, they just hide it for a while, it will always come out in the end so why waste your time in deceit.

High Lonesome

Loneliness is a strange thing, it comes in various forms and sometimes it just sneaks up on you when you least expect it. You could be in a room full of people and suddenly you are hit with the feeling that you are alone. Or you could be at home alone and not feel lonely at all because the record playing is all the company you need.

It seems sometimes that there's not a lot you can do when loneliness hits. You could go out and walk in crowds of people and it not be enough, you could pick up the phone and dial a number you know off by heart and talk to the person on the other end or you could fill the empty room with the sound of a favourite song but it might not be enough.

Loneliness isn't about being on your own or about having loads of friends or about having a hectic busy life, loneliness is about missing a certain type of connection. It's about missing your best friend because they can tell what you're thinking just by looking at you, or about walking up in the middle of the night wishing there was someone next to you who wouldn't mind you waking them up and telling them what was on your mind.

It's about the Saturday night when you want to go and see a film but there's no one to go with or the lazy Sunday morning when you wish you were making two cups of tea instead of one. There are some Saturday nights and Sunday mornings when it's fine and others when it hurts like hell. Problem is there is nothing you can do about it, expect keep holding on and keep hoping.

Great Expectations

The connections that we make with others are such a massive part of our lives. A conversation can change your life, or just give you something that before was lacking. I got back this week from a holiday to America and there were many moments in that holiday where I had interesting conversations with strangers. It was refreshing to strike up conversations with random people from different walks of life and to exchange ideas and thoughts.

When I got home I wondered why these type of exchanges didn't seem to happen at home as much and I couldn't really work it out. I have on many occasions sat on train journeys that have lasted hours and never spoken a word with anyone whereas on 3 of the 4 flights I took conversations were started. I did wonder if it was my fault, that by sticking headphones in my ears and retreating to music I am shutting people out, but there have been many occasions where I haven't done this and no one has spoken.

I can't define what it is that was different but I enjoyed it, I like talking to new people and finding out things about the way they life their live. What I liked the most though was the respect shown, so often when talking to someone they will just talk over you, butt in and stop me from finishing my thought, this didn't happen. I listened and was listened to. It was so refreshing and I hope I experience more of it in the future.

Sensible Heart

People throw around words like love far too carelessly. There is so little regard for what it means, what it involves and how much it hurts when someone says they love you and then treats you badly.

It's like words have no meaning anymore, people just open their mouths and let things fall out with no regard for what the meaning behind the words actually is.

There is so little regard for the English language and what it means, and I'm sick of hearing people misuse it.

Religious people get upset when people take the lords name in vain, but why does no one get upset when people use the word love in vain.

It's happening all the time, all around and people just don't care anymore. It's so disheartening.

Hand of Fate

Yesterday was a day of mixed feelings for me. I was working at a wedding taking photographs. Although really I was assisting another photographer and learning the ropes a bit, I was also taking photos and was paid for my work. This means that I can now officially class myself as a professional photographer because I have been paid for my work. This is a massive achievement, especially since it's been less than a year since I started studying and really learning about it. I always felt a bit sad that it took me 26 years to work out what I wanted to do with my life but really I should just be happy that I have worked it out and that when I have a camera in my hands everything else in the world sort of shuts out.

I started looking through the shots I took this morning and I'm really pleased with how they turned, considering it was the first time I'd ever taken photos at a wedding, I've got a lot of good shots and I'm really proud of them. I can sit here and look through them and feel that pride welling up inside me.

But yesterday after the wedding all I wanted was someone to share in my pride and excitement. I was supposed to be going out with friends but it was all cancelled so I just ended up at home by myself. I managed to distract myself until bedtime but I felt sad. I treated myself but it would have been so nice to have someone who was proud of me.

But I know that I've yet to meet that person so it's better to just be proud of myself and know how far I've come in the last year.

Yesterday was probably the first and last time I'll ever hold a bridal bouquet and I was only holding it for someone else while they had their photo taken.

Red at Night

My mum has always said that I'm a very emotional, sensitive person and that it makes her worry about me more, because I seem to feel everything. She's totally right and in a way I wish it wasn't the case but I'm also sort of glad that it is. I know that when things go wrong, or I get hurt that I feel it, really feel it and sometimes I wish I didn't because sometimes it hurts too much. But I know that I deal with it. I face the pain and hurt and work through it, work out why I feel the way I do, what I can do to make it easier and how I can learn from the mistakes I made and not repeat them.

Some people don't deal with how they feel, they push the feelings to one side, throw themselves into life and don't think about it. This might work for a while and at the end of the day the world doesn't stop turning just because you had your heart broken or bruised. Life carries on no matter what pain you feel but if you don't deal with it, it's gonna come back and hit you. Hard.

I watch as other people push the pain aside and I know that because I've been taking the time out to deal with how I feel that I'll be in a better place soon and I'll be able to really enjoy all the amazing things that are around the corner.

The reason I'm hurting is because the truth hurts and the truth is, if he asked, I'd give him my heart, even though I know he'd probably break it. But he hasn't asked and that makes my heart hurt anyway.

backstreets

Recently life seems to have gotten a little tough. I'm not too scared by this, I know it will get better again. The darkness has not completely consumed me like it has previously. It feels like there's a low pressure hanging over me but that there's a high pressure on it's way. I just need to be patient and wait for the change and do the best I can to make the low pressure bare able.

Everything gets easier with time and the hurt I feel right now will get easier to handle. The more I look to the future and stop dwelling on the past the better I will feel. I know all this, I can see the brightness just around the corner and it fills me with hope.

I think that the best life's, the ones filled with adventure and creativity, are also the life's where darkness seeps in at some point. Darkness inspires and gives you drive and focus, without it life would just be bland and safe.

I'll take the hurt and pain I feel right now and live with it if it means I get to experience the highs I know life has to offer. Right now I feel like I'm being pricked at with lots of tiny little pins, I feel sensitive to everything going on, but I know this won't last.

And I also know that I have music to pull me through the darkest, loneliest of nights. I know I can channel how I feel into my photography and into building the next stage of my life.

There is no one else I'd rather be, even in the darker times, because I feel everything and I'd rather do that than be numb.

Platinum Blonde life

Life is about changes, or at least it should be. Anyone whose life just stays the same will have a pretty boring life.

The problem with change is that mostly, it takes a bit of time and that transitional period is hard to handle. Whilst you are putting things in motion and waiting for things to fall in to place all you can do is sit and think and worry. At least I that's what I do.

It's like if you dye your hair from blonde to brunette. Once it's been done, that's it done and you can spend time getting used to it, working out what clothes and make up look good and adjusting to how you look. But in the time that you are sitting there with the dye on your head all you can do is worry about how it's going to look, that it might not suit you or look how you think it's going to look.
Right now I'm a few weeks away from things starting to happen. An exciting holiday and then returning to start work on the new life I've been building for myself. Right now there really isn't much I can do and it's frustrating and scary. I spend a lot of time worrying even though I know I'm doing the right thing. I just need to get on with them instead of sitting here procrastinating. The future has so much potential.

Even cowgirls get the blues.

Its the music that gets you through tough times that means the most. Sure in a lot of ways you remember the music that was playing when you were happy, the music that accompanies all those favourite memories that you have tends to stick with you and when you hear a song that reminds you of a great night with friends or a wonderful holiday it will make you smile.
But the songs that pull you through the dark times are the songs you will always hold closest to your heart.
You remember the albums that you put on when you had to scrape yourself off the floor to turn the stereo on. Its when it matters the most, so you turn to something that you know will help you. It might me something to cheer you up or something to make you realise that someone has felt the way you feel in those moments. Music can save people so what you turn to in the moments when you need saved is the stuff that shapes you, the stuff that stays with you.

I cannot go a single day without listening to music of some sort and I know what albums and artists have really been there.
It's highly ironic that right now the music helping me cope is the music of one of the favourite bands of someone who has hurt me. Somehow this music suits my mood and I don't even think of him when I listen to it, which is a good thing. I guess you don't really choose the music that's gonna pull you through, it chooses you.

The lights and buzz

Social networking websites have made the world a worse place. People don't talk on the phone anymore, or write letters, or travel to be with someone. They send them a message on Facebook and think that this is a suitable substitute. But a message on Facebook is nothing, its just some words bashed out on a keyboard and then forgotten about. Maybe the person you just spent a whole 3 minutes of your life thinking about needs something more. Maybe they want to hear your voice, maybe you would like to hear theirs.

All sites like Facebook have done is make people more arrogant, more self obsessed and selfish. It's far too easy to just think that by adding someone on facebook you can call them a friend, but the definition of a friend involves words like respect, regard and affection and you don't get any of those things on Facebook.

5 young people have taken their own lives in the city I live in the last few weeks and I'm not all that surprised. Where were they supposed to go for support and help? Maybe they sat at home alone in front of a computer screen and wondered if this was all that life had to offer.

Maybe people should stop thinking about themselves all day, every day and put some thought in to the people they surround themselves with. Maybe one of these people you care about is crumbling, maybe there are feeling lost and alone and maybe by logging off of Facebook and actually being there you could help.

Hands down

Lately I've been thinking alot about fear. I've been feeling scared of certain things that have been happening in my life and it's made me think about what it is I am actually feeling scared of.

Its not the actual things that make me frightened, its the fear of the unknown, of not knowing what might be.
Where the next year of my life will take me. There are so many reasons to feel positive and things to feel good about, but still because these things are so good, the fear of what might be is holding me a bit, although a lot less in the last few days then it was in the days before.

Life is about feeling the fear and doing it anyway, about doing things that scare you and make you nervous. Otherwise you would end up doing very little.

Trying to launch yourself into a career that you really care about is scary, accepting responsibilities in your life is scary, the idea of falling in love is scary, because all of these require you to let go, take a risk and just jump on in!

But I intend to do that now, I'm still scared but so much less then I was and if I ran away what would that achieve.

It could all be so amazing!

Secret Crowds

Making big life decisions is hard, especially when you're choosing between two things. No matter what decision you make you will always wonder what it would have been like if you had chosen the other thing.
With hindsight you will always be able to tell which choice is the right one, but you don't have that until after the event, therefore you have to look at what is around you, what is right in front of you and make a decision based from that. Its so hard to know if you have made the right decision bout all you can do is trust in yourself and trust that you have made the right decision for that moment.

I wish I could do that, I feel like I'm close to making a decision but I'm still terrified that its the wrong one, that I'll make my choice, sign the papers and then start to panic and regret, even though I know doing that is a waste of time.

Sometimes having the decision forced upon you is easier, at least that's the way it feels.

Fighter

Generally my music taste is fairly broad in that I like a bit of everything, but the majority of stuff I really like would be identified as alternative, the stuff that really touches and inspires me, so alot of people find it odd just how much I love Christina Aguilera. I've always thought she was extremely talented but that her music wasn't really for me. But then a year ago her song Fighter came on my itunes shuffle and I read about her childhood and about how she lived with domestic abuse and I went back and listened to her Stripped and Back to Basics albums and realised how great they are.
I not only now admire her talent as a vocalist, I also admire the way she takes risks with her career, the way she doesn't give a shit what people think of her and the fact that shes done so well for herself given her childhood. Not only is she successful as a musician shes also a loving wife and mother, something that many people who've experienced domestic abuse find hard to do.

Walking away from an abusive relationship is hard and people who haven't experienced it will never understand how hard and they say that as soon as you walk away you stop being a victim and start being a survivor. And as cheesy as it sounds Christina's music helped me to stop being a victim and for that reason, as well as many others, I think she's awesome, no matter what perez hilton or anyone else might say!

the butterflies

There are thousands upon thousands of songs written about love, about falling in and out of it, about losing it and finding it and about how good and bad it can feel. Love is inspiring and some of the most beautiful art, music, poetry and literature has been created about and because of love. It is pretty much the most important thing in the world because without we wouldn't have the art inspired by it but we also wouldn't have the people who created that art.

Love really is the thing that makes life worth living and most people spent a large amount of their life's looking for it, for the real deal, whatever that is, because love means different things to different people.

I keep thinking about what it means to me and I think it heightens all the emotions. From the butterflies in your stomach to your heart dropping to your feet, it all feels more intense and more real when love is involved.

When you love someone everything is at stake, there is so much to risk, so much you can lose, but also so much to gain, otherwise why would we take the risk?

To risk it all for those moments when you feel like your flying, when your heart is full.

Globes and Maps

I've been thinking about home a lot recently and what exactly that word means. There are so many sayings about home, about what it means and what it stands for, but what do any of them really mean.

I live near the town I grew up and when I go back there for a visit it doesn't feel like home anymore. The house I grew up in now belongs to someone else and the place my parents now live is somewhere I don't really know, where I could quite easily take a wrong turn on the streets and get completely lost. I could go to the town I grew up and wander through all the little alleyways and back streets and always know where I was, but where would I be trying to get back to if I did get lost.
Where I live now, I've only lived for 8 months or so, although its a city I grew up coming to and I know pretty well.
But then is home really the place that you live or is that just your location, the place you would point to on a map. But then if someone asked me to point to home on the map, I think the best I could do was the island of the United Kingdom.

One of the most famous sayings relating to home is "home is where the heart is" and if that's true then I am totally confused as to where my home is because my heart is spread all over the place. It lies in London, Leeds, Ayr and a little village in Fife because my heart is with the people who matter to me. But it is also in this place, in this little flat that I have made my own. It lies in the music and art and photography that I surround myself with because in the darkest days, those are the things that save me. Thing about those is that I can take them with me wherever I go, my friends and family I can't. I wish I could.
And if I decide to move again in a few months time then I'll have to start all over again, but when you don't really know where you call home then I guess it doesn't really matter.

I think my heart is just looking for a real reason to call a place home. For that person who when they sit next to you, that's when you feel like you are home.

The Reason

I've never been into music because it makes me look cool or because my friends like it or because its the 'in' thing. Really my music taste is all over the place and I listen to some stuff that would not be regarded as cool. Also I've never really had a lot of friends who like the same stuff as me so I'm not doing it it to fit in with anyone, and I've never really cared about trends in music.
Music is my life, its everything. Music helps me when I'm down, when I'm angry, it helps me calm down, helps me concentrate. I know what to listen to to suit my mood, I know what I can throw myself around to, what I can have a cry to and what I will make me dance around. I've cried during live shows, I've met some of my favourite musicians and been so full of respect for them, I've gotten massively excited by music. Its the one thing I know I can rely on, my favourite albums will always be there no matter what. I have 9 tattoos and 3 of those are band-related, and I got them done after a period in my life where that bands music has pulled me through.

But there are people out there who are posers, who claim to like music because there mates do and they want to fit in or who say they like it more then they do just because that's the thing to do. I have no problem with people who don't really love music, I don't really understand it but I don't judge them for it. What I have a problem with is people who claim they care but don't. Don't tell me you like that band when you don't because that band saved my life once. Just be honest and say you don't really get it.

I get so angry about it because people like that in a music scene give it a bad name. They lead to bad atmospheres at shows , fights, arguments and they often lead to the real fans getting fed up. That's why so many people go off a band when they get really famous, its not because there trying to be cool and only like obscure bands, its because the shows are full of people who only like them cause they heard them on the radio and the atmosphere is never the same. That's why all my real favourite bands have never really had massive commercial success, they may well be well known in there scene, like Rancid are but more people have heard of Green Day than Rancid.

Tonight I could be at a local hardcore gig. I could be supporting local musicians and encouraging and supporting a scene. Instead thanks to certain posers I'm at home listening to hardcore and feeling frustrated by people who just don't really care. Maybe I just care too fuckin much.

We stand alone

The last few weeks have been a bit weird for me. I've felt quite isolated and in a lot of ways but I've also learnt a lot about myself and how I really am.
I would say that for the first few months of 2010 I really wasn't being myself. I was doing what others wanted to do in an attempt to fit in, but the truth of it is: I don't fit in and I should be proud of that instead of masking it.
I like punk and hardcore and just because other girls I know think Sick of it all, H2O, Madball and Terror is awful it doesn't mean that it is. To me those bands and there music means something, as well as the other bands that matter to me, New Found Glory, Alkaline Trio, Rancid, Social Distortion and the countless others whose music has helped me at some point.
But I went to clubs that didn't play those bands, I drank way more alcohol then I was comfortable with and I acted like someone I didn't really know or even like. Now I've wised up to the way I was behaving and have put a stop to it, I'm finding myself isolated from the friends I had because they now don't understand me or maybe even don't like me that much. They don't like my decision to not drink at all or the fact that I would prefer to listen to hardcore then gossip.

Its been a hard adjustment, mainly because I find it hard to get my head around the fact that these people who I believed liked me, don't really seem to like me for who I am.

They want to spend hours doing their hair and picking outfits for a club, they want to run around town late at night with strange boys, they want to drink til they don't remember and they want to dance to bad, manufactured music that doesn't really mean anything. And when they thought I was one of them they liked me , but the true me is not like that.

The real me likes tattoos and not drinking and listening to hardcore. The real me would rather spend the night singing my head off at a gig or listening to music that I love. So if that means they don't like me then that's there problem not mine. I'm a good person, I care about others and I would never intentionally hurt another. I want people to be happy and I want to let people into my life and share with them the things that I'm passionate about.

I'm not sure what happens next, maybe I need to move on and to a new place where I can start fresh being myself and hope that people accept that.

At the end of the day I want friends who will accept me as I am, people who don't are not really the kind of people I would use the term friends for.

The music or the misery

High Fidelity is one of my favourite books ever, in fact it's probably the book I've read more then any other. I even have the pages with my favourite bits on them folded at the corners.
Obviously it's a favourite because its about music and people who love music and who let it have a huge role in their life's.
But my favourite parts in the book are the parts where the main character talks about which came first the music or the misery, and every time I read it it makes me think.

" Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as a consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship."

What if this is true? Does that mean I have to give up listening to music and reading books and watching films in order to have a healthy attitude to love?
Do I have unrealistic ideas about what love is because of the songs I listen to?
Or I am just endlessly hopeful that the feelings expressed in these songs can be real, because they must be because someone felt them and made a song out of them.

I don't wanna give up the music but I also don't want to give up on the idea that I can find the kind of love that has inspired those songs.

Maybe it truly is unrealistic, I hope its not but really I have no idea.

Sing the Sorrow

Last night I went to my first proper gig since July last year and it was without a doubt an awesome experience. I had forgotten just how good the whole live music experience is. I went to see AFI in Glasgow with Sick of it all as support. Neither of those bands are my absolute favourites but I'd seen SOIA before and knew they were good live and had never seen AFI and always wanted to.
It felt so good to be back at a proper live show. For quite a long time life got in the way of my love of music and when I finally got out of the bad situation I was in, music was what brought me back to life. I was living back with my parents over the summer and was sitting up for hours at night rediscovering everything on my itunes and it felt so good to do that. To really listen to music and take it all in. I remember sitting up listening to Sticks and Stones by New Found Glory and smiling properly for the first time in a while.
I kind of get lost for words when trying to describe what music means to me because its just a feeling, kind of like falling in love I guess. Its just a feeling inside of you. I know that not everyone feels that way about music and I'm just so glad that I do, that it means that much to me that I know I can turn to it to get me through anything.
I know exactly what to listen to when I need to feel sad and cry and get it out of my system, I know what to listen to to make me feel strong and determined, what music will calm me down and what music will make me smile and bounce around and I'm so thankful I have that.

In My Eyes

Today I have decided to stop drinking. Last night I drank to feel better and to forget, even though I'm not stupid and I know that alcohol is a depressant and that it would make me feel worse. I was totally right of course, I ended up pissing off a friend, overreacting to stuff and feeling awful. I was not myself and I was not proud of how I behaved. This afternoon I sat here and thought hard about drinking and what it is and what it does.

I am very anti-drugs and always have been, I just don't believe in putting all that nasty stuff into your system, but yet I would go out and drink. I have never really heavily drank, never passed out or puked or forgotten where I live but there have been nights like last night. Also I have watched what alcohol does to other people. I have been treated badly by people when they've been drunk, I've seen absolutely everything that alcohol can do to people but I always knew that I could control the amount of alcohol that I consumed.

I still can and could, I can easily go out for a pub lunch and have a beer and just have one. But I have really started to hate how it makes me feel and what it does to people. The main reason I have drank is because everyone else does. If you say your not going to drink then people don't understand, they want you to go out and join in and have fun and to do that they think you have to drink in order to do that, but in all honesty the best times in my life have occured when sober. I don't enjoy feeling the way I did last night, I don't enjoy feeling awful when I have a hangover. I like to be in control of my life and the minute I drink I stop feeling in control. I think most people drink for all the wrong reasons and I know for certain that I drink for the wrong reasons.

There are so many things that in my life that I have stopped doing because I know its harmful to me, things I have walked away from because I know its wrong but yet I have continued to drink. If I think long and hard about why I drank its because everyone around me did it and because I felt it was expected of me as part of the social world I was in at the time. I've gone through long periods of not drinking because I haven't been around it but in the last couple of months I've drank quite a lot and really hated how it makes me feel. So I'm done.

I need to keep a clear head and face my problems head on, I need to not rely on a drug to help me deal. If I have a bad day then I shouldn't reach for a bottle of beer, I should deal with how I'm feeling and sort out the problem in another way and that's what I want. I want a clear head and I don't want to find myself drunk, crying on the floor of a club toilet ever again.

Its a shame I'm a dream

So today is a lonely day. They happen less and less now because I'm happy with the life I have and I don't need someone in it to complete it, but that doesn't mean that I don't want someone. Days like today make me so aware of that. I'm trying to fill it best I can by running errands, reading, listening to music but I want company. I'm sitting on my living room window sill watching the world go by and I can't help but wish there was someone else here or at least someone who wanted to be.
Most of the time myself is enough. Most of the time I'm fine in my own world but on days like today I just want a massive hug.
I'm so jaded by it all, so fed up of going into things with the best of intentions and the highest hopes only for another guy to stop calling or texting or talking online after a few days of getting to know them and not having the faintest idea what has changed in those few days. I keep trying to be open minded and to go into things with the right frame of mind, if I meet someone I'm interested in I show them I'm interested and it gets me nowhere.
I'm trying really hard not to take it personally but its hard on days like today when I sit here and watch the guy I told I liked walk right past my flat without a second glance its hard not to think that I've done something wrong.
I love my flat and I love sitting on my window sill looking out on the city centre but sometimes I feel like the world has forgotten about me way up here.

I'll be alright in a couple of days.

Beautiful Pride

This morning I got a nice package in the post. The first album of one of my oldest dearest friends. I felt so proud when I opened it and as I sit here listening to it I can't help but cry. The music is just stunningly beautiful, its melancholy and uplifting at the same time and I feel this so massively proud of him, so happy for him for finally doing something he always dreamed of doing.
I love Sigur Ros and that's what it reminds me of, but it means way more because I know about every ounce of love and care and passion that went into this music.
I've known this friend of mine for nearly 9 years and once upon a time he was my first real boyfriend. He taught me so much about compassion and trust and love and about being brave and strong and real and I will never forget everything he did for me, everything he gave me. There are still times when I wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed with him, if we had made a go of it instead of letting our relationship slip into a friendship.
Life was hard on our relationship, hardest when he lost his amazing dad and neither of us knew how to cope with the agony and grief, the anger and frustration and the pain that that brought.
Watching someone you love lose someone they love is so hard and so difficult and in a way it tore us apart.
I'll never know what might have been but as I sit here listening to this music, I feel grateful that this person is in my life and I also feel so proud of him for doing this, for getting through all the hard days and making some truly amazing, beautiful music.
I miss him and wish I could give him a hug and tell him all this but I can't and I think that's why I'm crying.

Thank you for playing the way you play

Currently watching the DVD that comes with the New Found Glory self-titled album 10th anniversary edition. Its making me nostalgic in a massive way for 2002. I love the fact that music becomes such a massive part of your memory and that not just songs but bands, can bring back faces and places and make you feel safe. Summer 2001 I listened to the self-titled so much, it was the summer between college and uni and I had a summer job at a small hotel. I used to take the CD to work and play it when cleaning, I even convinced my boss that I was listening to the radio and he believed me!
Then I moved to London and in May 2002 NFG finally toured and I saw them for the first time. It was a gig at the Garage in London and it was a way too small venue for them to be playing considering and it was so immense that I kept going to see them over and over again that year. At the Forum with Finch supporting, at Reading festival, where I wore my NFG hoodie for the whole weekend and had some guy yell out "New Found Glory" at me across the campsite. That was the summer that Sticks and Stones came out and it helped me through my first major heart break, I was convinced that Head on Collision was written about my break up with my first love!

This is all just a long way of saying that there are some bands that stay with you no matter what, whose music buries itself deep inside of your soul and gives you hope no matter what. There are a couple of bands that will hold that place for me and New Found Glory are one of them. They have been in my life for a whole lot longer then any boy and after every break up or bad day they are still there. When the boys don't call or text me back or tell me they don't want me, New Found Glory will always be there. I would rather have their music and all that it means to me then any of the boy drama, but then of course I probably wouldn't have needed their music as much if there hadn't been any boy drama!!

On my Own

Since my lecturer had to change classes around this week it has meant a long weekend, ordinarily this would probably have been a excuse to go out, stay up late etc but I am totally and utterly wiped out by my life right now so i decided instead to head to my parents house where I know all I would have to do is eat and sleep which is exactly what I need right now. I have really supportive amazing parents and they are cooking all my favourite meals and letting me sleep as much as I want.
This past week has made me realise a few things, especially as the main reason for the lack of sleep has been a boy. There is no point in really trying at this relationship thing, if its meant to be then it will be and it shouldn't involve lots of hard work and lying awake for hours. Also if a guy can't see me for who I really am then why am I bothering?
I have yet to meet a guy who is truly interested in me, who wants to get to know me and be with me. They are all interested in other things. I used to believe that this was a sign that I wasn't all that, that there are some girls that get the kind of devotion and I was just not one of them, but I'm not so sure anymore. For a start, yet another celebrity woman has found out about her husbands affair this week and if it's happening to these woman why be surprised that its happening to us mere mortals!
Also whats the point? I repeatedly put myself out there trying to find someone and it always backfires, I always end up hurt or feeling rejected and it sucks. I've spend a lot of time building myself up from a previous relationship and I've made myself into a strong, determined woman with ambition and drive. I have the previously mentioned supportive family and some amazing friends. I have intelligence, talent and the unshakable belief that no matter what I will always be okay. I got Indestructible tattooed on me for a reason because I am.
But yet my belief in myself and my life is put into question because of guys, they make me doubt myself, make me wonder if there's something wrong with me and make me question the things that make me who I am.
This all probably sounds really negative but its actually positive because I have realised this week that there is no point in being with anyone. I am on my own and that is okay. I have my own life, my own home, my own friends and most importantly I have my freedom to live my life the way I choose. Why do I keep thinking I want to let someone in to share all of this when they constantly make me question it all?
Its just a waste of my time that could be better spend working on my photography, with my family and friends or actually sleeping. I did not want to spend Monday night up until 4 in the morning worrying about a boy and what he thinks so why bother? Why not just let it all go and forget about it.
Its better to be alone, in the sense of single, then it is to be with someone and unhappy. I always knew this but this week has proved to me that being alone is better then just okay its great.

Turn it Off

Bloody hell there are times when I wish my brain had an off switch, or that I could take it out and leave it in solution overnight, like contact lenses.
Sometimes I just need a break from all the stuff running around in my head, at the moment there are some many unanswered questions and no matter how long I lie awake at night I can't find the answers because right not there aren't any.
They will come with time and I know I just need to be patient, but that has never been one of my strong points and the unknown is scary and right now not in the good way.

Maybe I've just had too many late nights and not enough sleep.

state of affairs

This weekend has made me realise something, no matter what people say when it comes down to it they will always pick relationships or love over friendships, they will always come first. If your single, not in love, alone, however you want to put it, you will prioritise other things in your life. Your career, your family, your hobbies and most definitely your friends. They will be really important to you as they are the people who you turn to for support for the love and companionship that we all need.
But people who are in relationships or falling in love or whatever, well most of them will pick that over friends. I watched it happen a bit this weekend, watched friends putting friendships behind their relationships. Most of the time the friend was in their life way before the boyfriend/girlfriend but that means nothing. I found myself feeling like a third wheel this weekend, I found myself being ignored and I found myself realising that this is what will always happen, no matter what.
There is this deep fear in a lot of people that they will end up alone and friends and family don't seem to mean your not alone. If you are single and your 25 or above, at least that seems to be the age right now, you start to prioritise relationships, even unhealthy ones, over really healthy friendships.
I'm not bitter, its just more of a state of fact really and I know that I'd probably be doing the same thing if I had someone in my life like that. I've promised myself that if things do work out the way I want them to I will not do that, that I'll still make time for friends. Of course things change if you meet someone but they shouldn't change to such an extent that your friends start to get pissed of at you for bailing on them time and time again or for always turning up with the other half in tow.
The big problem is that you can't tell them to come alone cause then it looks like you don't like the other half and if you want to keep the friend you have to like the person they choose to be with. Wanting to spend time with them alone doesn't mean you hate their other half it just means you want your friend to yourself for a while, because you are missing something in your life that they have and your priority's are different.
But nothing will ever change, its always going to be this way because people would rather spend the rest of their lives with one person then with a few. Doesn't mean spreading yourself too thin, just means remembering the people you are forgetting about.

Your House

As a child I moved house once and I was 4 and don't really remember much about the whole experience. But since I left home at 18 I have moved house soo many times I've actually lost count, I think its about 14 times.
I moved down to London and then just seemed to go from place to place. I stayed in my favourite flat in Kingston for just under 2 years and that was the longest I'd lived anywhere and if I'd had more of a say I think I would have stayed in that flat for longer. But last summer I moved my whole life back up to Scotland and moved back in with my parents for four months while I started putting my life back together.
But now it is back together and it feels great. I never expected my move to Dundee to be as positive as it has been but it really has and I don't really want to move again, although I do really like Glasgow as a city. I have some amazing friends here and nearby, I like the size of Dundee, its a city but a small one and it means everything is pretty close by and I love my flat. Its right in the centre of the town and it feels like home. The thought of packing up and moving again just makes me want to lie down!!
For a long time it was hard for me to think of anywhere as my home because I never stayed anywhere for any length of time. But this flat is my home, even though its just rented. This flat represents true freedom to me. I come and go as I please and I don't have to answer to anyone. I have friends over when I want to, I listen to whatever music I want and watch what I want to on telly, I cook what I want when I want and if I make a bit of a mess then it's my mess and no one elses!!
I know that this would stay the same if I moved to Glasgow but this is the first flat I've ever felt this way about and I don't want to give up this little place. I've learnt how to live on my own and how to cope with the issues that can arise from living on your own and I've grown so much in this little place. Plus it has the best window sill ever!!!
Change is good and things aren't going to stay the same just because I don't move, but another year in this place would be stable and secure and I haven't had stability in my life since I left home at 18.
Plus there are so many positive things to stay in Dundee for, one of which is the PMA I'm rocking by living here!

House of flies

I've always been a bit fan of change. I think it's important to always keep moving forward with your life, to shake things up so that your life doesn't became stale. I have a pretty short attention span so I think that has something to do with it but I will never understand those people who stay in the same place, and not just literally, although there is something awesome about living somewhere other then where you grew up, even just for a while. People who are resistant to change always strike me as scared.
Don't get me wrong, my first day living in London was scary. Getting a flat by myself for the first time was scary, going back to college at 26 was scary. But all it was also amazing too and so worth being scared for. Going back to college has proved to be one of the best things I've ever done. I love what I'm studying and have made some great friends through my course. Living on my own is on occasion still kind of scary but also amazing too. My flat is my own little place away from the rest of the world and i feel at home the minute I step through the door. I feel safe here because I'm in control. I have no reason to fear what is coming through the door because no one is, unless I choose to let them in.
The best thing about change is that it opens up unexpected things and sometimes those unexpected things can be better then the expected things.
Thats why change is so good, because it opens you up to amazing things you would have missed if you were standing still.

There goes my hero

Itunes shuffle is playing songs to fit my mood apparently. My Hero by Foo Fighters just came on!

"Don't the best of them bleed it out, while the rest of them peter out".

The people I admire are the ones who keep going for what they want, not the ones who live in fear or blame others for their own failures or weaknesses. The worst ones are the ones who put there own weaknesses onto others until those people are broken. Taking responsibility for your own actions is a sign of a decent person and the person who won't admit when they made a mistake or did something wrong is the worst kind of person. I have first hand experience of that and I know now it's not worth being around anyone like that. Because you end up blaming yourself for someone elses mistakes and then you end up a mess.

Not going to happen again.

Don't let yourself sink

Tonight I'm worried about friends. Some of them are struggling and it breaks my heart that I can't do more. I put shuffle on itunes just now and Swim by Jack's Mannequin came on right away. I want to tell my friends they've gotta "swim and swim when it hurts" and I think they are swimming and I'm proud of them for keeping going. I know how it feels to want to give in but I also know how good it feels to not give in and get through it. I know that I will always keep going, that I can force myself out of bed and into the world on the darkest days but I don't know fully how to help my friends and it makes me feel useless.

It also makes me realise what real love is, its that ache in your chest when someone you love is hurting, its feeling useless because you don't know what else you can do and its fear that nothing you could do would be enough. Love hurts because its a powerless feeling but it also feels amazing because it feels safe. Proper love should always feels safe, you know its not real love if you are scared of it. And if someone is looking you in the eye and saying they love you but you are scared of them then they are lying to you, because no one who is terrifying you loves you.

I'm not a big My Chemical Romance fan but their song Famous Last Words just came on my shuffle. " I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone"

I'm late for a very important date

I used to think that 'time heals all wounds' was a load of bull. I get that in physical terms its true. You break a bone it needs time to heal, you get a tattoo the skin needs time to heal from what it went through, but when it came to the wounds of the heart I wasn't entirely sure that it was true, turns out it is. I've realised just how important time can be. The more and more months that come between me and everything that happened the better I feel.
My confidence has started to return, my self-esteem is no longer in my shoes, my desire to achieve and succeed is back. Basically the person I used to be has started to come back and this took time. Sure it also took guts, determination and sheer balls, but time played a massive part. There were some pretty shitty setbacks but I survived and time has also proved this to me, no matter what happens I have the strength to handle it.
I see now how time helps. The futhur you get from a tramatic event or bad experience the easier it gets to face it or eventually even to laugh about it.
About a month ago I dated a guy for a couple of weeks. He didn't stop going on about how much he liked me, how he saw a future with me and how he couldn't stop thinking about me. Then it stopped and he was being a dickhead to me and acting weird. I couldn't get my head around why he was acting the way he was and I was pretty pissed off and weirded out. He had left his favourite hoodie at my place and I contemplated a whole load of revenge towards that hoodie.
Ended up doing nothing but leaving it in a heap at the bottom of my wardrobe and now I'm really glad I did. Thats cause of time, because time has made it so that it doesn't hurt anymore and in fact I can laugh at the fact that he is still apparently interested and I've moved on. I could totally give him his hoodie back in one piece now, but only if he comes begging for it cause that would be quite entertaining!

Basically time means being able to look back on something, instead of being right in the middle of it and looking back on something means being able to see the situation clearly for what it was. Now if only I could work out someway to do this when in the present I'd be set.

I can bend and not break

So today has been a running errands kind of day, although I say that the weather was so awful I didn't really get a whole lot done. Plus they moved the pet shop, which didn't help. Anyways it was one of those days where a lot of stuff was running round my brain. Recently I have, without sounding arrogant, had no problem in meeting boys, but they have just been that, boys, younger then me and with no real idea of who they are. I haven't been all that bothered about any of them, just been going out with girlfriends and living my life. No one has really blown me away. Until now and hes not a boy at all!
Its funny how you deny things to yourself to save your heart. I thought he had a girlfriend so I refused to even think about why when I thought I saw him in the pub one night, my heart jumped. But then he made it pretty clear he is single and he also asked me about my situation. So now I have let the crush I have run free!! and of course now I'm terrified. I think I've been kind of hiding in these boys because I know its not going anywhere, that I won't feel anything therefore I won't get hurt. Again. But now I really like someone and as much as it's an amazing feeling it's also full on scary. Because he might not like me back, because he might and then it might work and then it might go wrong. There are far too many mights running through my head. At the bottom of it all though is that this person is the kind of person I always pictured myself with. He is real and because all this is real, the hurt could be real too. But if I have learnt anything from my experiences its that you have to feel the fear and go for it, because everything might be taken away from you at any moment and its better to have said you tried. Plus if he feels the same back then what happens next could be really something.

Rant

Just seen the new adverts the home office have done to raise awareness of abuse and violence in young relationships. I've seen it twice and both times I actually flinched. I checked it out online and apparently the home office has a whole strategy for ending violence against woman and girls. Strategy is their word not mine!
Maybe I'm just cynical but this all seems like a load of shit to me. I can just see a bunch of over paid idiots sitting round discussing this for hours and coming up with all this rubbish.
At the end of the day do they really think they can completely end violence against woman. 1 in 4 woman will experience domestic abuse in their life, that doesn't go away cause the government has a new strategy. What woman really need is help when the abuse happens, help to get away from the abuse, someone to talk to about what is happening to them and then support afterwards to allow them to rebuilt their life. Domestic abuse will never go away but the woman who've been through it need help to move past it. The scars run deep and for most woman they are very well hidden. Woman need help to know that they shouldn't be ashamed of what happened to them, that its not there fault and that they can start again no matter where they are in life. And I don't see that help anywhere so somehow I think there strategy is flawed, what a surprise.

Okay rant over!

BFF

I was at my best friends house yesterday and we had one of those proper bonding sessions that make you feel so lucky that this person is in your life.
Her and her boyfriend are planning their future together and we talked about this and about her ideas for their wedding. I think her boy is a great guy and I am so happy for them and I told her that. No matter where I might be in my life, good or bad, I am so glad that they have what they have together, that they love each other and that I have them in my life.
And I get to be a bridesmaid, and I will be allowed to have my tattoos out when I do so!! My friend wants a really open, non-judgemental wedding and I really can't wait to be a part of it!
She told me that I'm a massive part of their life and that she loves me and I admit to getting a little bit teary-eyed because I love these people too and having them in my life makes me feel so lucky.
We had one of those amazing conversations yesterday and I just feel very fortunate. I don't have any sisters and neither does my best friend so I think we fill that role for each other and I really love that.
None of the guys I've dated recently have shown any interest in being a real part of my life and I pity them for that because I have amazing people in my life and they are missing out on meeting them and in being a part of a life that is really pretty awesome.

Man I've clearly got a lot on my mind today!!!

Songs about girls

When I first moved back to Scotland I had stopped believing in love. What I'd been through had made me think that love was more just a concept, that it was far too easy to say you loved someone then it was to actually show them how you felt. The stupid truth is that I do still believe, that most nights before I go to bed I say a little prayer, I'm not sure who to cause I'm not religious, but I do it anyway. I'm still not sure that what I'm looking for actually exists and I'm even less sure that it exists for me but I'm gonna keep trying. I refuse to let the bad experiences I've been through put me off.

The only real problem is that I don't think I'm one of those girls. I see nice, sweet guys who write songs about girls, who can't stop thinking about girls and who don't stop trying to show them how they feel. And quite a lot of the time the girls in question don't deserve it and don't appreciate it and its hard to watch because it makes me realise I'm not one of those girls and I don't think I ever will be. I'm gonna try and not give up on it but I don't really know anymore.
I do know that I'm looking in all the wrong places. I know who I am and I've yet to met a boy who understands me and recently all the ones I've met haven't even really cared. I want a boy who says he'll look at my photography portfolio and then actually does it, who smiles when one of my favourite songs comes on and it makes me happy, who'll actually listen to me when I'm talking instead of switching off and who'll try his hardest never to hurt me, physically or emotionally. I try very hard to be the best daughter, friend and student I can be and I know I've got it in me to add girlfriend to that list.

So yeah I do wear my heart on my sleeve, but thats just me and hopefully one day I'll find someone who likes that instead of yet another person who sees it as a weakness.

Heart on my sleeve

"Cuz I wear my heart on my sleeve, my appearance may be decieving, it doesn't matter what you think because the truth is in ink!"

I love to write but for the second half of 2009 I didn't really feel like I had anything to write about. In actual fact there was loads i could have written about but I wasn't ready to put it out there. Now I feel that I have a life worth writing about I figured I would start up again and maybe the stuff that came before will come out at some point.

So I'm living back in Scotland after 8 and a half years in London. I'm studying photography, which I love, I have my own little flat that feels like a home and some of the most amazing friends ever. I'm also completely and utterly back in love with music and all the other things in my life I stopped loving before.

It sounds really corny but thinking I was about to die has brought me back to life. In those few moments when I thought my life was going to be over, I woke up and although it took me a while to realise it fully I am now living my life the way I want to. I'm living out my dreams. I never thought on that horrible day in November 08 that what was happening would be a positive thing but it has been, its made me realise just how strong I am and that I am capable of coming back from anything life has to throw at me. I don't ever want to forget what happened, I don't ever want to forgive but I do want to keep trying my hardest to live my life. I was making a pretty big mess of it before and now I have a second chance to make it right and thats what I'm doing.